With the Top Down

Today was a good day...and for no particular reason!  I love when this happens, although, I should admit it is usually a sunny but not too hot day, and I have been complying with all my meds.  But it was so good... I put the top down on my VW Beetle and drove. Music turned up, hair blowing in the wind, Starbucks iced soy chai tea latte.  A perfect feeling. I loved it!  I love when that happens. When life, even for a minute, sneaks up on me and serves me a perfect moment of happiness for no particular reason.  I should be so lucky to feel this way more of the time. But maybe I just need to go out and drive next time I am feeling down. Put the top back down, drive to Starbucks and turn the radio up and remember the feeling of happiness I felt today! ♥

What Makes Me Happy

I love San Diego weather. It is what makes me happiest lately. Knowing that sunny perfect 70's weather is always right outside my door. Moving next year will be so hard for me!! If you have seasonal depression at all you should consider moving here! Muah!

Perception

My thought for the day!  Isn't this what we are all trying to reconcile. Love it!

Finding A New Doctor - Panic!!

Why in God's name would a website that is supposed to help you find a therapist for OCD show you the picture of the doctor? Do I sound crazy for saying this?  Is it just me?  I don't want to see a picture of the doctor I am going to see. It causes me to pre judge them based on appearances!  Too young, no, too old, no, too pretty, no, too normal, no, to crazy looking, no....No one looks right!  I think this is the craziest thing ever!  You may be laughing, you may be agreeing, you may think I am dumb, but I don't want to see their picture!  I will see them when I get to the office and meet them in person. No pictures please!!

So now I will try to find another website or service with no pictures. Just recommendations. Maybe the world out there wants to see who their doctor might be before they get there, but not me!

Dreams

What do I dream About?

This is a question that has been on my mind lately. I think it is something I have struggled with my whole life. Dreams, things that come true in your own mind, but may be entirely unreachable?  Dreams, things that you desire to come true and you do your best to make come true and then they do? Dreams, things you think about coming true but never do because you don't work hard enough or do the right things to make happen?

See, I sound negative even talking about dreaming which to most is an ideal, pleasurable activity.  To me is just brings on more questions and anxiety. I guess I have long associated dreams with goals. And to be honest I haven't had a ton of goals in my life. Why? Hum.  I was never taught how to have goals?  No one ever asked "What do you want out of life? And how do you plan to achieve it?"  -That sounds like and may be, that I am blaming others. Maybe the blame should all be on me. But how do you reach a goal?  You plan, you take steps to achieve, you dream?  It's kind of hard to reach out for something that you have no idea of how to reach in the first place. Something that seems all together unattainable.. Isn't it?

As much as I talk about being tired lately, I do WANT to be positive. I do WANT to be happy. I do WANT to be full of energy! But maybe I just thought these things should happen. Maybe I thought you should have nice things and have a nice life and a nice outlook without having to work at it?  Are you laughing at me?  Do I sound completely insane?  But this is how my mind has worked all my life. Is changing it just a dream?

What do  you dream about?  And how do you reach out to make it come true?

The Uses of Sorrow

By: Mary Oliver

I stumbled upon this today and thought about how it is so true. I just need to remember this when I am feeling sad.

Such Is Life...

Guess this may not be the blog for someone who is looking to energize their life with happiness and no worries. I really did think it might be when I first started writing it. It just hasn't quite evolved into that though. Although, I have decided though to start seeing a therapist again. I like to talk to people who seem intelligent and have a good second opinion on my thoughts and feelings. --Not just seeing the doctor for the meds.  I mean he is nice and all but I am in his office for about 3 minutes, just long enough for him to write me 3 months worth of prescriptions. I could be a total bull sh**er and I don't think he would ever know. I could say I am experiencing panic attacks and palpitations and he would probably give me more Xanax, but I'm too honest for that. Not to say anything about him in a mean way, but come on...I think I could dispense meds to people at this point in my game, ya know. Maybe that means I should see a different doctor too?  But it is so easy to just go in say things are the same and walk out with a prescription that makes me feel comfortable enough.  Maybe that is one of my problems, too....I feel comfortable "enough".  Who knows. If I ever get something figured out other than the fact that I have mental illness, and it is a lifelong struggle, I'll let you know and let you in on the secret. THAT I can promise! I have felt quite rebellious about my OCD and anxiety lately. It can just be such a pain to deal with!  And even when I am not dealing with it, I'm dealing with it....  Oh well.  Such is life....

So Tired Of It

I am so tired of OCD and anxiety. I just want it to go away and stay there. I don't want it. I'll give it away...for free! I am tired of thinking before and after I think. I'm tired of trying to decipher thoughts that are real and thoughts and those that are just my brain being my brain. It is exhausting to me.

I love reading everyone's blogs, but to be honest...I don't know what I am even blogging about. I'm telling you how I feel. That is about it. I love that you all are off on a trek finding new ways to cope with your illnesses through books, meds, CBT, etc... but I don't feel like doing any of that. I just don't!

I don't want to read a book on "Happy, Happy, Sunshine, Joy" and see how "MollySue" is now so much of a better person for following these instructions. I hate reading books on how to be happy!  I don't want to change my meds. It is a pain in the A**!  I don't want to remind myself, to remind myself not to do certain things so I don't feel certain ways. I just want to feel the right way to begin with.

Am I making any sense?  I just want to be "normal"!  That's all I have ever wanted!  Is that too much to ask for?  It's not like I'm asking for a new mansion and a million dollars!

This is when I feel like I might be bipolar... I am up, down and all around. But who knows...Sheesh!

Blah, Blah, Blah...

Ok, so I have a mental illness, a few actually. Who really gives a flying #$@# ?

I wish everyone did, but the truth is, they don't. They don't care that I have debilitating social anxiety. They don't care that engaging in friendship is painful and trying for me. They don't care that I take meds everyday in the hopes of having a decent day!  They don't care!!  If they do they have never showed it!  


And who exactly are "they"?  I don't know...but that is how my mind sees it. It sees everyone this way. That is what makes me stay away from everyone. Because I think they shouldn't care. Why would they?  It is a struggle I go through everyday, no matter the medication, the plotting and planning, or the person.  I think I am too much trouble to be involved with. I do. Would  I want to meet someone like me? Maybe at first, but after a while I would probably grow tired of the constant wonder, will she or won't she answer the phone?  Will she or won't she want to come over for dinner, and if she does how long till she exits?  


I mean, that is how I am. I am plotting my escape before I even enter. I am looking at the time...wondering, have I been here long enough. Have I participated enough, made enough of an appearance?  I am thinking of how I would give anything to be alone, to be away from the situation, to be gone. "I'm ready to leave, are you? Ok let's go."


That's how I am. That's how I don't want to be. I pray that I will not feel this way. I plan on not being this way, I plan....but it doesn't usually happen. Most of the time my mind reverts to the previous thinking. It is comfortable for me to feel that way. Comfortable because that is my second nature, uncomfortable because I wish it wasn't.  


My mind makes no sense to me....many times a day. I do my best. People have said I am honest, kind, giving, even fun and crazy...in a good way.  But my mind...it tells me different. It sneaks up on me and controls my actions without my consent. I wish it were easier to explain. I wish it were easier to control. I don't want to have to THINK about every action before I make it. I don't want to have to THINK about not feeling certain ways. I just want to be that way. Why can't it be easier?


***AND I have no idea why this is showing up with a white background and it annoys me!! :)

So Many Things To Do

There are so many things I need to do around the house today, carried over from yesterday and the day before and the day before and... well you get the picture. And I just don't feel like doing them!  I want to. I think about accomplishing them, I plan on it, but then I don't. Today I am going to try and force myself past the not wanting to and do at least some of them any ways. Let's see if I can accomplish at least 3 things today...some laundry, cleaning my bedroom and cleaning the kitchen. And it is not like they are grossly dirty, in fact that is probably why the call of them saying "clean me" faints through out the day. But I am going to try and see if I can get these done despite my loathing today.  I'll let you know how I fare later.

I think I have to push past my feelings of not wanting to, in order to see that they weren't that bad and then feel good that I got something done. Do you do this? ...I may a bit longer though! lol

It Makes Me Feel Better

Today I am doing others worrying for them. Like I always have done. I take on their worry and mull it over in my own mind, so they don't have to! lol  Like that is even possible. I just feel so bad when others I love are hurting or worrying over something and there is nothing I can to help.  I would say "I'll pray for you." and I would, but really I don't know if that works. - I know.. to most  out there this sounds absurd, but  I have a pretty jaded background with the church, so that is why I doubt. But that is a LONG post I will start on and post another day.  I would say "It will all work out."  But maybe it won't, I can't lie to them.  I would say "Tomorrow will be better."  But it might be worse. So I worry for them.  It makes me feel better. 

I just said it makes me feel better to worry!  Gotta love how my mind works. Like I have said before I guess I am so friendly with my OCD  I have become accepting and loving towards it.   So weird.  No one would say that, would they?  But I do.

With that said I do see myself as a good problem solver, and a good advice giver. I just don't take my own advice!  I would probably help them see the problem in a new light. A way they can twist the situation around without giving false hopes of life being all hunky dory.  Funny how I do that. But it makes me feel better!

Denial

I have felt good the past few days. But in the back of my head I am always looking for the next thing to worry about. Weird. I hate that my mind does this but it just does. I wish I was a naturally worry free person. I mean, it does scare me that stress is a killer and I stress a lot!

I guess this is where denial has come into play for me. I am a natural denier. I can deny like nobody's business. I guess it is a learned skill.  Makes me laugh, but I know it is dangerous too.  Deny too much and you can end up in a heap of a mess.  With so many different things. But I think I come from a family of deniers. Growing up my family did a lot of denying.  If it made you worry, don't think about it. If someone made you mad, ignore it.  It will eventually go away.  Denial was a great coping skill. Almost like it never happened.

I can only assume that these skills of denial are passed down from generation to generation.  Makes me wonder what all I am passing down to my kids.

Makes me worry, and then deny....

Is My Daughter OCD?

Or does she just have OCD tendencies?  If that is something you can have?  I realized today, with actual "realization", that she will not touch certain foods.  And by touch I mean pick it up in a certain bottle or package and carry it to the table even for someone else. Foods that trigger her throwing a small fit and then me transporting them include, ketchup and hamburger, cooked or not.  There are probably others but these are two I noticed today with the thought of her doing this many times previously.  I guess I should mention she is 13.  And when I say she wont touch it I mean SHE WILL NOT touch it. Her face turns into sour puss, agony and disgust all mixed together. Is this something I should discuss with say, my doctor?  I mean she seems pretty normal otherwise. Could this just be a "phase" or a "thing"?  Just weird because I have seen it many times and until today it never really hit me...."People with OCD do this!"

I don't know. Other than that it has been a good day. Just weird how things hit you out of the blue sometimes. So let me know your opinion!!  ♥

Love it!

Love it when something comes together when you need it too.  So I am happy today!

Other good things I like about today...

Last day of School! Summer,Yay!
Had fun shopping for my son, for work clothes. Still fun to shop!
Sunshine!!
Coffee!
Out to eat with just me and my husband!

Today was good. I love the good days!

Some days...

Some days there just doesn't seem to be much to say about my ocd, anxiety or depression. It just is what is. I'm tired. I have no real "reason" to be. But I am. I need to take a shower and I will, but thinking about it, it seems like a lot of work.  Why is that?  I have energy for other things but washing and drying my hair seems like such a task. And then when I get to bed I will probably be up till midnight watching tv, not able to fall asleep.  Oh well...such is life!♥

When Your Kid Grows Up With Your OCD

My son graduates high school today!! It is my greatest happiness and my greatest fear all wrapped into one.  Raising a great kid, really he is...and then the thought of him leaving out into the world. I need him here with me!  Is it wrong that he has been such a great joy, such a great ear in my life?  We laugh and have the best time. He has my sense of humour and he literally cracks me up! He has also hugged and told me he "It's fine mom." when I have needed it.

So I decided to ask him how growing up with me as a mom has affected him...And here is what he said...

Me: Do you think my anxiety and OCD has affected your life?
Jake:  Yes.  You are going to worry yourself into a heart attack one day.  You worry about everything.  You worry people are mad at you when they aren't, you worry about people not loving you when we do and you worry about everything being your fault when is isn't.

Me: Wow, you notice that?  That makes me feel bad!
Jake:  See! But I think it has also made me a better person too. It has made me more popular with the ladies. (LOL--me laughing!) Because you have taught me what girls worry about and how to make them feel better about it. I am more sensitive than the average guy out there. I'm a good listener.

Me: Really? Have I made you more anxious do you think?
Jake: Yes. I am more sensitive I think. Especially when I was a little kid.

Me: But how does it make you feel now?
Jake: It makes me feel bad for you. I wish you wouldn't worry as much. When I was little I would cry over things because I worried about them and about you. I worry about you.

I had to stop there...

My anxiety has made him worry about me!  How bad do I to feel about that? But it has also taught him good things. It has taught him to be a better man. But it makes me wonder did I put too much on him as a child?  Not on purpose but him just seeing me live?  Will he be ok as an adult?  I think so...but now I am going to worry about that!

My children are so much apart of my life. I think I sometimes forget that they learn EVERYTHING from us. Good and Bad. And not just with a parent with OCD, or depression and anxiety.  With anything we do.  Even when I think I have done a good job hiding it. Just as he has my sense of humour...just as he is kind and compassionate.  But he has taught me so much too.  He has taught me that children see us through the purest of eyes and they digest us and they know us to our cores. And that despite it all, my kids love me no matter what. That's deep. That's how deep my love is for him...And my beautiful, wonderful daughter♥

Congratulations Jake! You are the best son I could have ever asked for! I am so proud of you! Muah!

I Take Everything Personally

I "feel" everything.  I take everything personally, to heart. As in it makes me "feel" certain things about myself. Whether it is meant to or not. And I guess this applies mainly in the negative feelings category. If you are angry around me, I think you are angry at me. If you are sad, I might have done something to make you sad. If you are worried, I might be contributing to you worrying. If you correct me on something I feel awful! I don't take criticism well. Even if it is nice and even if only I take it critically!

I don't know why I am this way. I don't know why I do this. It is hard for me to be around someone I am close to if they are angry or sad. Yet, I get angry and sad and expect these people to understand it is not about them, and be around me. Maybe it is just too hard for me to accept someone else's negative emotions on top of my own?  I don't know!

I just hate letting people down. And I guess I feel like I have done this many times in my life. From my parents to my kids and my spouse. I always feel I am the let down. If ONLY I could have done something different then their anger, or sadness or anxiety or criticism would be eliminated or diminished greatly. The more I think about it the less sense it makes! Yet I know I will continue to do this unless I figure out how to stop it or what makes it happen.

And honestly I feel I am alone in this matter. How could anyone else feel this way? Or is this normal?  I have no idea, but I know it will take me a while to figure out how not to take everything personally!
.

Sea World! No Worries!

Yes, today I have to say I felt no worries as I spent the day at Sea World, San Diego with my family. We had a really great day! Love it when those kind of days happen!! Wish they all could be that way!

Me and Emma and Jake...Hate Pics of me!

Emma, Shannon R., and Jake

San Diego From the top of the Sky Tower.

Emma soaking wet!

Jake with a Sea Star!

I say "I'm sorry!"...A lot

I do. I am always saying "I'm sorry!". 

Why do I do this?

<To commiserate with others. 

<To make others feel like something is less their fault. (Is that the same as commiserating?)

<To show I am trying to "repent" in an honest way for something I might have done or said wrong.

<To hear someone respond...I take a lot of interest in the way they respond. Makes me feel like I can tell if they are mad at me or not. -Mind reading anyone?

Any ways, I say it at least several times a day. To my kids, my husband, my "friends", acquaintances, etc.

I always have done this for as long as I can remember. I know it drives my husband nuts. But it has become a natural part of who I am. I just say it with out even thinking about saying it. It almost just comes out. 

I really need to stop this. I know many see this as a sign of weakness in others. A sign that the person saying it is not as confident and composed as others. But how?

I'm thinking of getting a rubber band and putting it around my wrist and every time I go to say it I will snap the band. I know this is effective for treating other thoughts and actions. Making myself aware of my thought before it becomes my speech.  Hum?  But then I am afraid I will not say "I'm sorry!" when I should. I mean what kind of situations should one apologize for?  Hurting someone's feelings? Spilling milk?  Making a mistake? What kind of mistake?  

I know this may be elemental to some but to me it turns into anxiety just thinking about it. Like I said, it is a part of me.  I guess I should read up on this...any suggestions??

 

Oh Where, Oh Where is My Mind Today...

Isn't it funny that when I was younger, I thought life would get easier the older and "wiser" I got. Ha!

I guess it has on some points but on others it seems harder. Bills, kids, jobs, life, everything that occupies my mind. Uh.  Just one of those days I wish I was 10 again with nothing to worry about but who to play with and what outfit to put on my barbie.  Wishing I could win the lottery, just enough to pay everything off and buy a house.  Is that too much to ask? :/

I guess this is how my OCD rears it's ugly head...me obsessing about any and everything.  Worrying, "What if..."  As if that thought couldn't go on FOREVER.....

I don't know. Some days are just a blur of who knows what. But...At least it's sunny outside. One thing I love.

I forgot...to Remember

I forgot to remember what all this talk on recovery means to me. I think it means I am trying to figure out life. *Chuckle*...As always.

I feel things so deeply and when I don't keep these feelings under control they come out in a big, messy way.  Sometimes I have wondered if I am not bipolar. I feel like I'm on a roller coaster ride sometimes. I can be up, down and sideways all in a day or less, and then do it all again.  I don't know.

What I do feel good about it writing it all down. Which is weird that I like to write it in a blog, because I hate writing in journals. Maybe reading others stories makes me feel better, too. Seeing that I am not as "crazy" as I think I am. Not alone as I sometimes feel.

I think I also forget to remember that life IS a roller coaster, everyone has different emotions and different ups and downs whether they are mentally ill or not. Emotional times are not just exclusive to me and my illness!  I should take this into consideration more. Be more compassionate towards others plights. After all we're all fighting some type of battle. Aren't we?

Now this Makes Sense!

NAMI: Recovery from Mental Illness:

Recovery is a process, beginning with diagnosis and eventually moving into successful management of your illness. Successful recovery involves learning about your illness and the treatments available, empowering yourself through the support of peers and family members, and finally moving to a point where you take action to manage your own illness.

OK...Now this makes sense to me. I am not trying to "recover" in the way my mind was thinking of recovering. (-Getting over it completely.)  NAMI's definition is relieving to me! "Successful management of your illness."   This makes me feel better. I thought, "How can one truly ever "recover" from a mental illness?"  And looks like I was on the right track.   I feel so much "saner" now! 

I am totally in sync with this definition. I am managing my illness successfully and have learned about treatments,  and have moved to a point where I take action to manage it. Ok, good.

I hope this doesn't seem dismal to some, who I perceive to be hoping to totally rid their lives of a part of themselves. Maybe it is possible for a few out there. But for me, this is what I have been talking about. I can have a bad day here and there, everyone has that!  I can feel ok with my illnesses as long as I am managing it to my best ability and taking others in my immediate circle into consideration, too. 

Sorry, but it is tiring for me to constantly be reading about others processes and yearnings for what I thought was an impossible place to reach. I feel bad for these people. For people who have convinced themselves that there is this wonderful, ever happy place they might one day reach if only they could tame their minds completely. I wonder if this definition would make a difference in their lives?

Rethink?

Rethinking my last post, maybe...what the heck? We are all trying to find "happiness" aren't we? Maybe I just say I am not because it is easier. Maybe I like living with the illnesses I have because they are my company.   They are who I am. They define me, in a way. They are my soul mates. What would I do without them? Live a worry free life of crazy abandon?  That would definitely be a strange pill for me to swallow.  -But I have done the "right" things, I have gone to a therapist, I have taken medication. I talk about it to you...to a lot of people I meet. So what else?  Where does that leave me? If I were going to "recover" wouldn't that have been already? I thought writing this blog would make things clear to me and really it is making me question everything.  But the fact is as much as these things don't bother me, they sometimes do. Was that was the whole point of therapy and meds? Is acceptance what I have gained?  Weird. I am more confused than ever. And you probably are too!

On a Positive Note...

Wait, I may not have a positive note today!  Maybe I am honestly "crazy" but why is everyone always so interested in this mystical thing called "happiness."  I mean who would I be and where would I be without any of the negative things in my life?  Yes, I know this sounds foreign to many, but the world is not all bubblegum and roses all the time. And THAT'S OK!  Or isn't it?  Or are we all just trying to "recover" and join this mystical happy, happy, joy, joy place? I do find happiness in a lot of things, I do. And I do aspire to live happily but I don't even try to pretend to believe that one day I will escape all my emotions, all my illnesses and belong to the tribe of the infinitely happy!  It just does not seem realistic to me. Am I wrong? You tell me!

My Therapy

Today I am SO frustrated. I am indulging in "Verbal Release Therapy."  Lets just say I have been pissed off! (excuse my language please!) I am just in a "Mood".  My neighbours complained about my husband working in our driveway this weekend. We live in base housing so they called the office...Ok...My husband has been in the Marines for almost 20 years!  We have NEVER complained about anyone....if we have a problem with something you are doing we will walk over and say "Hey, such and such is loud or whatever, could you refrain for a bit. Thanks!  Appreciate it!"  I think it is because they are young and have no experience living in the real world. At least that is what I am telling myself, to give them a small amount of decency in my mind. But I am really mad!!  Then I had a far off relative say something to me that made me mad.  -But that is a WHOLE 'nother story.

Is it normal for me to feel enraged over these things?  I mean it's not like I am going to go nuts and do something in retaliation, but come on....we all have to live in this world together. Get real!

I may have OCD, be anxiety ridden and depressed but I am not vindictive and I definitely want to live in a happy place!  I just don't understand people who are so unfriendly. I mean I may not get out and be everyone's best friend, but I am a good person and a good neighbour and a good friend if you need one!

There....over and done...on to a better day!

Basically a boring post today!

Well, yesterday's presentation at my sons school wasn't so bad, so that was good. It only ended up being "a walk in, look around, and then leave" kind of thing. So I was pleased to say the least!  We stayed about 30 minutes.

Today, I have been shopping, cleaned the kitchen and  living room and have done laundry. So not much to report there. I also took a nap for about 2 hours. I'm telling ya, I don't know why I feel so tired lately. But I do.
I have a doctors appointment in a couple weeks so I will bring it up then. I have no desire to try and call and schedule an earlier appointment.  So I'll take naps when I can until then.

I realized today I feel like my life goes in slow motion sometimes. I will make a well meaning plan to do something, like clean and organize my closet, for instance. Then I fully plan on doing it the next day, and that turns into a few days, which suddenly has turned into a few weeks and then even sometimes a few months. But it feels like I just set the plan in motion in my mind. I just recently started this. Weird. Oh well. I guess if organizing my closet is the worst thing I haven't accomplished, it isn't too bad. Except that everyday I go to bed thinking, "I said I was going to do that." And I haven't. Oh well.

Such fun, interesting info about me, huh? Basically a boring post today! Hope you all are enjoying a nice weekend!

Ugh!

Today I have to attend a school project evening at my son's high school. This is something I dread. I have to be around people, I might get introduced to, in a small space with really no way out for the hour and 1/2 it goes on. Ugh! This is what my nightmares are made of. I know it probably sounds dumb to most, but for me it is akin to going to the dentist for a root canal.  I am phobic!  I am saving my xanax to take about 20 minutes before we leave to go. At least my husband and daughter will be there. So they can talk and I can stand back and nod and say "uh huh".  Why am I like this? anyone else would have no problem, and I spend an entire day dreading it! Wish me luck!