This morning I can write to you with my mind in full anxious, busy mode. I hate when I get this way. I will take xanax in a few minutes to help calm it. For one, it is Friday the 13th. Funny because I always say I am not superstitious, but this morning my worrying about things has taken me to the place where I might be. I called my husband this morning and he didn't answer, texted him, nothing. He works 50 miles away. Most of the time when this happens I can push of bad thoughts and go on, but this morning I started thinking, What if he was in an accident and no one has called me about it yet? What was the last thing I said to him when he left at 5:30 a.m. this morning? What if I didn't say the right thing because I was half asleep? What if???????
I have to engage in some strong self talk at this point..."Nothing is wrong! He is in a meeting! He is talking to someone in the office and can't answer! He forgot his phone in the truck or on his desk! HE IS FINE!" (I yell at myself sometimes, not out loud of course, but in my mind.)
Then... he calls and I am relieved and mad at the same time. Mad? Yes, mad because I should not get so worked up and mad because he should have answered the first time and this would all be solved....Wait...
I can't put this on him. Now I feel bad!
Why is my mind like this?
A lovely look at the inner workings of my mind, huh? I think I'll have that xanax now...
My fiance calls me everyday when he gets to work to let me know he made it there. Sometimes, even when I know he's left a little late, I will get all worked up if he hasn't called to the minute that he normally would. I, too, think about all the awful things that could have happened and then when he does call I get relief, but at the same time angry for feeling those thoughts, like he should have known to call me. I feel your pain girl!
ReplyDeleteI know how it is to start worrying like that--it's hard to stop. I worry about my husband if he doesn't answer the phone--doing all the what ifs.
ReplyDelete