Sunday, July 8, 2012

My "Church" Story

How we grow up seems to play such an integral part in our mental health, don't you think? I will try to encapsulate my story in as brief a way as possible.

Bad things happen at church.

This is the first thing that comes to my mind when thinking of my "church" story. And I shall preface this with the fact that I went to church as early as I can remember. I was molested at a baptist church...at preschool. I was probably 3 or 4 years old. It was myself and another little girl. I don't remember her name but I remember the molesters name. It is the same as mine...Shannon. He was a teenager,I think one of the centers teachers sons. He stuck his hands down my pants. Me and the other little girl...at the same time. Uh, makes me sick to my stomach thinking about it now. I didn't tell anyone till I was in my 20's. And what could I do about it then. I told everyone it was no big deal. That it hadn't affected me....but,I think it had. To this day I have trouble being with kids I do not know well. What if I were to harm them by accident? What if someone thought i harmed them? What if inarmed them and didn't even know it? See...I am nuts!! And from there the thoughts go on....s-c-a-r-y! I can barely write about it without panicing.

I then attended a main stream Church of Christ with my mom, mostly. Mainstream except it wasn't. It was "Extreem". Hell fire and brim stone. This is where I think I most definitely got my religious scrupulosity. I was constantly told everything I did was a sin. And the way to redemption...confession. It got to a point where I was making things up so I could confess and be lauded. I made sins up! Just so I could confess! In my early teen age years it got so bad I can remember thinking.."Well, if I think I did it, I must have, and that is bad, that requires forgiveness!". Right there... The pin point in time of my religious scrupulosity taking a hold on my mind. Sin or not, confess, be forgiven, be lauded. So incredibly crazy for a young teen to be feeling this way, in the midst of all the other things going on in your life at that time. Puberty, self awareness, self esteem. Uh! I am pissed that I was exposed to such a crazy way of thinking! And even now as I say it was crazy, my mind can still take me to those places. Writing this could be a sin... I am probably going to hell!

There is so much more to it than I could ever write in one post. But I am phobic of going to church! I will not go. I will not chance exposing myself or my kids to such torment. I know many people speak of church being a comfort in their lives, but to me it is a terrifying experience! It is scary! And I'll probably go to hell for thinking so! I will never be good enough for God. I will never be perfect enough. Being a good person is not good enough to get into heaven!

....That is where my mind goes. That's my "Church" story...in short. That is where I believe the beginnning of my obsessions and compulsions began.

9 comments:

  1. I too have a 'Church' story that is in some ways similar but of course also different to yours. The 'crazy way' you feel you were conditioned to think is not something that can easily be shed but an awareness of the fact that it's not something you want to think/believe anymore might be the first step to re-learning what you want to believe now.
    Leaving aside whether you are good enough to go to heaven (whatever heaven might be), you are a good person, I can see that just by reading what you have to say here. You are compassionate, caring and inspirational, I can see that from here, so you must be so much more... you are so much more than just good enough. I know that you probably won't believe me but I wanted to say it anyway, because it is true.
    Take care lovely,

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    1. I have wanted not to feel this way for a long time. But like you said I was so conditioned to
      Feel these things it is hard to change. I
      Have spoken with many therapists on this before but unfortunately it has fallen short of convincing my mind. Thank you!!

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  2. Thanks for sharing. Wow, I'm so sorry. And OCD really seems to make the whole church stuff worse, as if there wasn't enough to deal with in the first place, at least in my experience. I, too, struggle with thinking this or that might be a sin and I have harm obsessions, also. It's so invisible in that people don't see that I am struggling with painful thoughts and so they might assume that nothing is wrong. Actually, I often don't want people to know something is wrong, but it also annoys me sometimes that such a struggle is invisible. Anyway, you aren't alone

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    1. Thanks Abigail! And believe me I am embarrasses by many of my thoughts and inner struggles and I don't talk as freely about it as I blog about it.

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  3. I am really sorry that you had such horrible church experiences. I can totally understand why you would pull yourself back from the church having gone through all that. I think God would understand that too. Unfortunately, there is sin in the church, because churches are run by humans. I have seen people argue at church meetings and I think that is terribly out of line, but I think that people who use the church to lure children to trust them and then abuse them is horrible (anywhere) and it just infuriates me. I am sure that makes God really angry and terribly sad too. I have never felt that I had to be good enough for God, I figure he sent his son to die for us because we do sin. But I don't want you to think I am getting all preachy..I just want you to know I understand how you feel the way you do, am sorry any of it happened and I think you are a wonderful, caring person.

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    1. Krystal, thank you!I think I forget that God has "feelings" too. And I hope to someday be able to feel more of God's love and less of what I have been manipulated into feeling!

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  4. Wow, wish i had read this post earlier, now i better understand what you meant by church scaring you. It totally makes sense. It breaks my heart to hear something like that. One of my best friends was raped by her pastor's son, and the pastor blamed her, calling her a harlot. Nothing anyone can say will ever undo that. The comfort that people find in a church though has nothing to do with the church itself. They find comfort in the fact that no matter what has happened to them, no matter what sins they have committed, God loves them as his own child. Speaking as someone else that was molested at such a young age, i can second the feeling of comfort that comes from knowing that God does not see a screwed up kid, he sees a perfect child - thanks to Christ's sacrifice. you have been cheated out of a proper view of God's love and forgiveness and I hope one day you can find the peace that he offers. It has saved my life for sure.

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    1. Your commitment to your beliefs is impressive to me. Your confidence in Gods love is impressive. I wish I felt that in some way. Maybe I will someday. I'm so sorry you had to go through a molestation too. It is a forever life changing thing, I think I
      Have repressed a lot of feelings about it so I don't have to really "feel" them. Thanks!

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  5. This post really resonates with me. I didn't go to church for many years because of the ill effects it had on me and my OCD. I had horrible religious scrupulosity issues, and going to a fundamentalist Christian school didn't help either.

    I'm so sorry about what happened to you at church and for the way you were treated.

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