Pizza for Dinner

It's something people do everyday, right? Does this act make me normal today?  Because I do something everyone else does? People get sad everyday, they cry everyday, they shy away from people everyday, but... those things are not considered so normal. Why?  If we are not alone, why are we not "normal"?  Or are we?

166 days and counting down...

Yep...my husband retires from the Marine Corps in 166 days!  My, how 20 years has all of a sudden flown by.  They say time speeds up the older you get and I have to agree.  We will be on to the next chapter of our lives.  And it is weird, and scary, and exciting, and unnerving, and everything rolled up into one.

I mean, I have never been a "married" person outside of a military life. I am use to going long times with my husband gone. I am use to living on base. I am use to being surround by military people. People going through the same things as me, people my age, people with similar life plans, so to speak.

I almost feel as if we will be floating for a while.  Out on an open sea, trying to direct our sails but having only ever taken a beginning sailing course.  Scary!!

I do love to move though.  I grew up hating the place I lived so much and always wanted to move. And, I have done that.  I love settling into a new home. Decorating, arranging, being busy with "life."  It brings me a high of sorts. Will this be one of the last times I move?  At least I can paint the walls and "remodel" as I wish.

I know the next 6 months are going to be over before I can blink an eye. And I will miss the military life, I will. As much as I have loathed it at times, I will miss it. It has been a good ride...

Complacency

I think I have become good at just "being". That line of complacency that feels so good and comforting sometimes. No challenges, no excuses having to be made, no real feelings having to be felt...just "being."  I know some wish for a place like that.  Even I get to where I wish for a place like that, but when it sets it, it can be... unsettling. I seem to be either UP or down.  HIGH or low.  But then, once in a while I get settled in. Complacency...  comforting, but not.  Feeling, but not. Accepting... allowing, lulling into a sleep of the mind. But nothing productive happens. It's almost a trap. It's almost being alive.  It's almost being nothing at all.

If only I understood the many faucets of my mind...

It's Not Who You Are...

Movie Theater Anxiety

I went with my family to see The Dark Knight Rises today. I was a bit nervous, especially in the confines of the theater....all I could think about was the latest tragedy where the 12 people were killed in Colorado.  I had a mini panic attack.  I don't think I would have stayed if it wasn't for my husband being there. I literally held his hand the entire movie. I hated feeling that way.

I hate that someone can go out into our world and scare everyone with a random act of violence.  I posted about it on facebook and got the reply I expected...that I shouldn't let anyone dictate my freedom of choice to go and do what I want with their random acts of violence. But...we know that is not how my mind works!  I was more and more comfortable as the movie went on. But I think I will have a bit of anxiety going into any movie for a bit in the future.  But I did go....I did watch the entire movie, and I came out ok. I guess that is the point...doing things anyways.  I mean I could easily become a hermit if I let everything bad that "could" happen dictate my daily life.   But...I didn't!

This Says it All

Feelings Have to Have a Reason?

Why is it I question when I am sad for no reason?  I mean I feel other emotions just as much if not more than sadness but it seems to be one of the only feelings I question.  If I am having a good day for no reason, I never seem to question it. When I am talkative, I just talk. Of if I am in a silly mood, I just act crazy...but sadness, it is always an emotion I question.

Is this because I have been diagnosed as being depressed before?  And why are we diagnosed as being unhappy but never..."She's happy!", as a diagnosis.  Can't we feel all the range of emotions without someone having to diagnose us?  Or is it that sadness is considered out of the norm?  Are we all supposed to be a certain way...a "normal" way?  Or could sadness be a way?

I don't know...here I go with all my philosophical questions that never seem to be accompanied by any answers! If I only had a few answers to all the things I question in this life...wow! Do you ever question other moods you have, other than sadness?

Where I Have Been

I have talked about how I went to a very strict church and how the fire and brimstone sermons affected me.  How it made me feel tremendous guilt for anything that was "wrong" in the eyes of God.  And how everything turned into something that felt wrong, felt like a sin. Everyday required many confessions of sins and confessions of thoughts of sins.  I guess what I haven't talked about is my turning away from it all... with alcohol as an older teen, younger adult.  I hated church and the way it made me feel so much I walked away from it all and decided not to look back.  I thought how can God be so loving but want to send us to hell for every little thing we might do wrong? And if all sins are the same, I might as well SIN it up...cause there would be no saving me from that point on...

At 18 I moved out and into a small apartment with two other friends, and I dove into sinning! I drank a fifth of liquor by myself almost every night. I partied, I tried to smoke...never caught on thank goodness!  It made the world so much easier to deal with. It made me a funner person!  I talked to people I would have never talked to, I went to parties, I made people laugh! People liked me!! Me!  They acted as if I belonged in their group! They wanted me around. Life was SO good! It was so much fun!  It was!  Even as much as it became a burden, when it first started it was about the best I have ever felt.

And then it wasn't...I couldn't drink enough. It took more and more to get me drunk.  I could drink a guy twice my size under the table.  I would have blackouts. People would relate stories to me of things I had done the night before, and I had no memory of them. It was horrible. I walked into a strangers apartment and lay down on the couch and went to sleep!!  I was in the wrong house!!  I should have been an apartment over!  I was so young, and so wanting to feel accepted and this was the only way I knew.  It was the only thing that had ever made me feel "normal".

Finally it got to the point where I was at a party and apparently embarrassed friends so badly they no longer wanted to be my friend!  I felt like once again everyone was laughing behind my back.  It was a sobering experience to say the least! One day I just didn't drink anymore...

From there I moved back home and then a few months later met my husband and got married. I totally put the experience and the thought of any of these people out of my head.  I am great at denial.   It is a skill close to my heart. I mean, where would I be, what pain would I have to deal with if I didn't have this skill?

I guess I just wanted to remind myself that no matter how bad or even how good the journey seems at a particular moment...it will change.  Change will come no matter how much I try to control my environment.  It will knock on my door when I am least expecting it, it will take me by surprise, for good or for bad. But living in any other moment other than the present will not keep it from visiting me.

I will do things I am proud of and things I am not so proud of.  Maybe I can remind others to that life is a journey. Where have you been?

Padres Vs Mets

We went to the Padres vs Mets baseball game today...Padres won!  However, I must admit, I find the game a bit boring!  -Better than a minor league game though! But it was a nice afternoon.  I did start to feel a bit "crowded" by the end of it though. 24,000 people in attendance and suddenly I feel like everyone is looking at me and judging me and crowding me. Oh well. I dealt with it and stayed the whole time, thanks to my family being there, other wise I would have bolted about the 7th inning.   Ah, the joys of social anxiety!  Anyways....we are home now and I am feeling good in my cocoon- home.

Sometimes there's just nothing to Say!

Just a few of those days where there isn't much that has been going through my mind. Is that a good or bad thing?  I don't know. It is kinda peaceful though.  A few moments of nothing going nuts in my brain, over and over and never stopping. I have no idea what has brought this about but it would be nice if it would stay. Although, it kind of impedes on my writing about how nuts I am.  But I guess I should just enjoy it while it lasts.   -Cause, unfortunately, I know it won't last forever!