Monday, December 31, 2012

Monday Mantras Linkup

I am going to continue linking up to this blog linkup as I find it to be in the realm of things that are very appropriate for this blog!  I was linking up through my other blog Coffee Kissed, but I am ending that short lived blog in favor of this, She's Mental, as it is truly where my heart and mind are.  But you should check it out, there are many fun and inspiring things people post, and it is nice to not be so SUPER serious all the time, even though I will probably post a few quotes that may seem ♥

The one above is inspirational to me because it actually made me laugh! Yes, I know...but it did.  I think we have to find a sense of humor in our sorrow sometimes!

I do think this of everyone who reads this, and of everyone whom I read....  You make me stronger and that is lovely to me.♥

Sunday, December 30, 2012

A Clue?

If I had any clue how to tell someone how to feel better... I would. I wish I could. I mean, even when I am feeling good, I still have the fear of feeling bad in the back of my mind. I still live with the thought that others are suffering. That someone else out there feels bad, feels alone, feels sadness that is over whelming, it literally hurts me! That I can't do anything about it but talk... that I will feel bad and that there will be nothing I can do to get out of it but listen...  to you, and it may or may not make me feel better at the time...that hurts me.

When our bodies fail to do the things we want them to, we suffer.  My body fails to push the serotonin to the correct places in my brain, my mind fails to process things in the right order. But who cares?  Who cares that there are people who suffer in the unending hell of their own thoughts?  

To me, when I am feeling bad, it is like I am caught on that Willy Wonka boat ride through the tunnel on the chocolate river... there are images and words and they do not stop coming for any fear or want of relief.  They don't respond when I am screaming STOP! They keep going and it feels like a night mare.  No one can convince me that I can stop it alone, because there is no way.  I have to wait until the ride comes to an end.  I have to wait for it.  Sometimes it has felt like forever, sometimes it has felt like I can't hold on another second.  Like one more minute and I will drown.... But somehow, at the same time, I haven't.

I know I keep talking about how it feels for me.  But I still don't know that people understand.  If I had a choice, I would not choose to ever feel this way... who would?

We all want to be "happy".  Isn't that like the most basic thing that anyone wants? To me, happiness means being free from these thoughts that can plague my brain.  There are really only a couple of ways that I have found relief.... 1) Taking my medication and seeing a therapist. 2) Realizing that no matter how much anyone else doesn't understand, there is someone who does, and that I am not alone.

I think #2 is the hardest to remember when my brain is in the throws of a living nightmare.  I am NOT alone. We are NOT alone.

I honestly might not be the best one to talk to.... even now when I am feeling better than I have in a long time, even though I still struggle with things everyday, I have to say that I don't think there is a "cure".  You know. I can tell you to think good thoughts, and post things on this blog about finally getting through things, but we don't ever get over mental illness.  It is apart of us, it is the whole of us at times.  I think we have to just say "This is me.  I was born this way.  I live this way.  It is what it is.  I will do what I can with what I have and if it does not satisfy your liking, then there is nothing I can do about that."  I think we have to somehow learn to accept the things we cannot change, and change the things we can...sound familiar....funny, huh?  And I don't think of myself as a religious person, but it is true.

And I want to say.... I accept you. I accept you for who you are at this moment, who you will be tomorrow, and who you might be next year.  If you are sad, I commiserate with you.  If you are happy, I feel happy for you.  God knows, I have felt the entire range of feelings this life has to offer! (And maybe it has made me a better person.) ♥

Tuesday, December 25, 2012

Merry Christmas ~ From So. Cal.

You know I just had to say Merry Christmas from Southern California!  My last one here for a while.... I will miss it so!  Hope you all have a terrific day and an even better year than you could possibly imagine. ♥

Monday, December 24, 2012

Merry Christmas & Happy New Year!

Off the beaten path, I am sharing something that brings me joy.... Why do they bring me joy?  Who knows, I love pretty things with a handmade flair to them. I think one thing I do love more than anything is finding something that for no reason brings a smile to my face. ~And anything with a bit of country kitsch is good too....  I love these chalkart, hand drawn signs.  I hope you have a great holiday season filled with many things that bring you joy, things that bring a smile to your face just because.  ♥ Thinking of all of you!

Sunday, December 23, 2012

Taking it All In, and Getting It All Out

So many things have been on my mind lately.

In this world things are questioned and then when they are answered it seems that many people do not like the answer. Of course this is especially true with mental illness.

Watching TV these past few days I have been confronted on a major level with opinions and satire concerning this. Whether it be from a TV show where someone is calling others "crazy", "demented" and accusing others of having "multiple personality disorders." --for just being a nitwit.  Or people debating criminal negligence as mental illness....  it is being talked about. And I feel like it is being demeaned, and laughed at.

It just makes me wonder, with all we know and all the knowledge we have access to in this world, how people are still so under- and uneducated about mental illness. How so many want to brush mental illness aside as a joke.  To me... it isn't funny.

I have a mental illness....and it is REAL!!!!!

I could NOT function without my medication. It is NOT to hide some feelings I don't want to deal with... I go to therapy for that!  It is NOT to feel all giggly and happy all the me, I don't.  It is NOT to live in some sort of untouchable bubble where everything is grand and fine...are you kidding me? It is NOT to be someone other than who I am, except for having more serotonin going to the right places of my brain....where it is supposed to be going in the first place.

It IS so I can FUNCTION.  It IS so I am not crying non stop.... without having an explanation for it, for myself or others. It IS so I can be around other people and utter any words without going home and beating myself up for things I might fear as stupid, weird, and dumb.  Rerunning every word over and over and over and over in my head till I am consumed with nothing else.  Thinking about it for days and days and days and days. It IS so I am not obsessed with things that could ever, in the realm of all possibility, happen to me or anyone in my family.  Imagining all the possibilities in life, all the horrors, knowing that something bad is going to happen, knowing I am not good enough, knowing that anything I ever might do would not make me good enough, worrying about that one in a billion chance that that "thing" could go wrong. It IS so my brain can somehow push past that fog and try to have a chance at... being a brain.

My husband and family have affirmed my deepest question of all..... Should I go off medication?

The answer....a RESOUNDING NO!

And to be honest, it does hurt my feelings in a way.  Why can't I just be a functioning adult, who works and cleans and gets out of bed without this medication. But then in a way....Thank God I have been blessed to find some sort of relief from living in a real hell.

And I know those of you out there who have struggled with this know what I am talking about.

I just had to get that out.  lol   And yes, I do feel better now.  ♥

Saturday, December 15, 2012

Tell Me How!

How can any of us here disagree with this? How many blogs do I read about struggles to get and keep mental health care?  It is scary.  We, as a nation, would rather arm this world with guns than arm this world with peace of mind.  And I have no idea how to change it..... Please, I want to fight for me, for YOU, tell me how! ♥ you all...

Thursday, December 13, 2012

It's Raining and Moving Plans is raining here in San Diego!!  I had almost forgot what a "good" storm was like. But it has made up for it today.  In years past, before I lived in the high desert or here in the micro-climate of San Diego, today would be a wash for me.  I literally went numb on rainy days....maybe because they use to happen in days long spans, it just gets so depressing to me.  But today I find it just, wet.  I have no apparent emotion attached to it. Just kinda weird for me to think about for some reason.  I know there is seasonal depression, and in San Diego and really the desert there aren't many seasons.  Here it is sunny and somewhere near the 70's year round. In the desert it gets way hot and way cold, but there is always sun.  I love the sun.  it just makes me feel like the day is going to go right.

I am moving to Georgia in February.  I am excited, as I will be living near my sister for the first time in a long time, over 20 years... but I am scared of the weather! I hope my body will find it acceptable. I hope that I can deal with the humidity and heat and cold and snow and still feel like my day will go well no matter what.  I am sure I will be fine. I have lived so many places over my husbands career as a Marine that I have experience in every climate!  I will miss San Diego, though.   There is just something about this place that my spirit has melded with and found so perfectly wonderful.  I am in love with it to say the least. adventure awaits.  And I love a good move!  I love going to a new place and getting the chance to live there, and experience it more than just as a temporary visitor on vacation.  It is a high to me in a way.  I just love it.  I love the possibilities that come with it.  It is such a fresh start.  I hope this is not the last time I will ever move to a new place.

So, now that I am done rambling, I hope today finds you well....♥

Wednesday, December 12, 2012

Thank You

To all of you "out there".... I do think of you and consider you friends, thank you for all your kind words in happiness and understanding in sadness.♥

I Forgot.... Yikes!!

I think sometimes I might forget, temporarily, how important this blog and all of my friends of you out there are to me... I am deeply sorry!

I forgot for a minute in my state of working bliss that I am STILL bipolar, that I still have suffered with depression, that thoughts will still, with or without warning, overtake who I am and make me think things I don't want to think! That I will never be "cured' of my brain.  That I will have to fight for myself and my ability to be treated for my mental illness. And most importantly that I must still fight the stigma!

Mental illness is LIFE THREATENING!

American Foundation for Suicide Prevention facts--
  • Every 13.7 minutes someone in the United States dies by suicide.

  • Nearly 1,000,000 people make a suicide attempt every year.

  • 90% of people who die by suicide have a diagnosable and treatable psychiatric disorder at the time of their death.

90% have a DIAGNOSABLE AND TREATABLE psychiatric disorder!!

How can this be ignored???

I know this blog is teeneeweenie in the blogishere, but I will stand up for you, I will fight for you, I will not ignore you...

YOU have the right to seek treatment and be understood, and you have the right to feel what you feel and not be shamed into silence or thinking you are alone!

Saturday, December 8, 2012

I'll Take That!

Well how neglectful of this blog have I been lately?  Sorry!  It's just, I have found some purpose!

And when I say "some" purpose, I think I mean that I have found something that occupies my mind and makes me get up and do something.  For me, it's called a job.  Funny how I sat at home for many years and was feeling so blah, so tired of my own mind and then I get a job and the spaces where there use to be room for doubt, strange thoughts and worrying, now is filled with other things.  Funny how I dreaded getting a job because it would involve being around actual people, and those people have made me realize, I like most people!! --Most, not all!

I am not telling you or anyone else out there suffering with thoughts that cripple their lives to go out and get a job and then all your troubles will disappear   Well, because they won't.  They are still here. They are still with me.  But...I think they have less room to bother me so much. They take a back seat to wondering what I need to do next, where I need to be, what I need to be doing and "worries" of that nature. I have to say, for me it has been a terrific revelation!

Yes, it only took 41 years to figure it out!  And I do have small worries about it lasting.  But for now, I am feeling pretty good.  And I'll take that!