Sunday, December 23, 2012

Taking it All In, and Getting It All Out

So many things have been on my mind lately.

In this world things are questioned and then when they are answered it seems that many people do not like the answer. Of course this is especially true with mental illness.

Watching TV these past few days I have been confronted on a major level with opinions and satire concerning this. Whether it be from a TV show where someone is calling others "crazy", "demented" and accusing others of having "multiple personality disorders." --for just being a nitwit.  Or people debating criminal negligence as mental illness....  it is being talked about. And I feel like it is being demeaned, and laughed at.

It just makes me wonder, with all we know and all the knowledge we have access to in this world, how people are still so under- and uneducated about mental illness. How so many want to brush mental illness aside as a joke.  To me... it isn't funny.

I have a mental illness....and it is REAL!!!!!

I could NOT function without my medication. It is NOT to hide some feelings I don't want to deal with... I go to therapy for that!  It is NOT to feel all giggly and happy all the me, I don't.  It is NOT to live in some sort of untouchable bubble where everything is grand and fine...are you kidding me? It is NOT to be someone other than who I am, except for having more serotonin going to the right places of my brain....where it is supposed to be going in the first place.

It IS so I can FUNCTION.  It IS so I am not crying non stop.... without having an explanation for it, for myself or others. It IS so I can be around other people and utter any words without going home and beating myself up for things I might fear as stupid, weird, and dumb.  Rerunning every word over and over and over and over in my head till I am consumed with nothing else.  Thinking about it for days and days and days and days. It IS so I am not obsessed with things that could ever, in the realm of all possibility, happen to me or anyone in my family.  Imagining all the possibilities in life, all the horrors, knowing that something bad is going to happen, knowing I am not good enough, knowing that anything I ever might do would not make me good enough, worrying about that one in a billion chance that that "thing" could go wrong. It IS so my brain can somehow push past that fog and try to have a chance at... being a brain.

My husband and family have affirmed my deepest question of all..... Should I go off medication?

The answer....a RESOUNDING NO!

And to be honest, it does hurt my feelings in a way.  Why can't I just be a functioning adult, who works and cleans and gets out of bed without this medication. But then in a way....Thank God I have been blessed to find some sort of relief from living in a real hell.

And I know those of you out there who have struggled with this know what I am talking about.

I just had to get that out.  lol   And yes, I do feel better now.  ♥


  1. Shannon, I have been disturbed by a lot of what I've heard on TV the last week or so, too. Mental illness is still so misunderstood.

    I thank God for my medication. It's not a crutch, it's a help to me to be able to live as me.

    Thank you for this.

  2. Shannon - totally agree with what you said. I am exactly in the same situation. Medication and therapy help me to get to a basic baseline of functioning that I can just not achieve otherwise. I sometimes resent having to do those things, but like you, I'm thankful that it takes me out of a tormented mind and into something fairly "normal."

  3. Great post, I know exactly what you're talking about!

  4. Thanks Ladies! Upon rereading this I feel I have still done an injustice to all of the problems that would plague me daily without my medication. There just seems to never be the words to convey the deep darkness we can feel. But I know you all understand. Thank you!♥

  5. Sorry, I got behind on blogging and blog reading... But this is a really great post. I like how you explained what your medication was NOT for. How often do I read something (especially in self-help books?) that says my medications are really doing me a disservice and if I just dealt with my problems, I'd be fine.

    I might be dead, but I don't think I'd be fine.

    My family still thinks there will be a day when I wont need medication anymore, and that is hard, because I feel like they still think my medication is to get me through until I can deal with my issues properly.

    But I don't like needing medication, either.