Sunday, December 30, 2012

A Clue?

If I had any clue how to tell someone how to feel better... I would. I wish I could. I mean, even when I am feeling good, I still have the fear of feeling bad in the back of my mind. I still live with the thought that others are suffering. That someone else out there feels bad, feels alone, feels sadness that is over whelming, it literally hurts me! That I can't do anything about it but talk... that I will feel bad and that there will be nothing I can do to get out of it but listen...  to you, and it may or may not make me feel better at the time...that hurts me.

When our bodies fail to do the things we want them to, we suffer.  My body fails to push the serotonin to the correct places in my brain, my mind fails to process things in the right order. But who cares?  Who cares that there are people who suffer in the unending hell of their own thoughts?  

To me, when I am feeling bad, it is like I am caught on that Willy Wonka boat ride through the tunnel on the chocolate river... there are images and words and they do not stop coming for any fear or want of relief.  They don't respond when I am screaming STOP! They keep going and it feels like a night mare.  No one can convince me that I can stop it alone, because there is no way.  I have to wait until the ride comes to an end.  I have to wait for it.  Sometimes it has felt like forever, sometimes it has felt like I can't hold on another second.  Like one more minute and I will drown.... But somehow, at the same time, I haven't.

I know I keep talking about how it feels for me.  But I still don't know that people understand.  If I had a choice, I would not choose to ever feel this way... who would?

We all want to be "happy".  Isn't that like the most basic thing that anyone wants? To me, happiness means being free from these thoughts that can plague my brain.  There are really only a couple of ways that I have found relief.... 1) Taking my medication and seeing a therapist. 2) Realizing that no matter how much anyone else doesn't understand, there is someone who does, and that I am not alone.

I think #2 is the hardest to remember when my brain is in the throws of a living nightmare.  I am NOT alone. We are NOT alone.

I honestly might not be the best one to talk to.... even now when I am feeling better than I have in a long time, even though I still struggle with things everyday, I have to say that I don't think there is a "cure".  You know. I can tell you to think good thoughts, and post things on this blog about finally getting through things, but we don't ever get over mental illness.  It is apart of us, it is the whole of us at times.  I think we have to just say "This is me.  I was born this way.  I live this way.  It is what it is.  I will do what I can with what I have and if it does not satisfy your liking, then there is nothing I can do about that."  I think we have to somehow learn to accept the things we cannot change, and change the things we can...sound familiar....funny, huh?  And I don't think of myself as a religious person, but it is true.

And I want to say.... I accept you. I accept you for who you are at this moment, who you will be tomorrow, and who you might be next year.  If you are sad, I commiserate with you.  If you are happy, I feel happy for you.  God knows, I have felt the entire range of feelings this life has to offer! (And maybe it has made me a better person.) ♥


  1. Thank you, don't ever forget that you are cared for and thought of on good days and bad. take care xx

  2. Thanks. Acceptance of me with my mental illness is something I find more often with other people who have a mental illness.

    And somehow, mysteriously, blogging seems to help us all. I also fear it getting worse again, but I'm glad you are feeling better for now. I am, too.

  3. Thank you, Shannon, for caring and for reaching out to others. It helps me to know there are others out there going through similar trials.