Hold on to the good days

I'm Beat

Well, I have been working all weekend, including Friday, and I am beat!  But, it feels good.  You know to do something outside of the home and get paid for it and feel like I am doing something a little bit important.  I know...being a stay at home mom is important, but when your kids are almost grown and you have stayed at home for a long time you start to feel a little bit less.  Less important, less needed, less.... So I am finding it nice to feel more for now.  I may change that tune in a few weeks!  We'll see. But that is what I have been up to. Other than my feet killing me...standing for 8 hours a day can do that. I am good!  -And even though my social anxiety is always with me, it has felt good to get out and be around other people! Who knew!! lol ♥    

Yeah...

So, as I stated before I got a new job and I was completely excited about it and ready to work...until now. They are only giving me about 10 hours a week. Yes, that's right, 10.  I am not to happy. They said it would be part time, but this is less than part time. It's 1/4 time!  So...now what?  They told me I can pick up shifts other people don't want or shifts that are extra but I see none to pick up so far. So...I have no idea. I am just  bummed. I hope I can figure out a way to make it work, or it will be back to the job hunt I go.  And this is making my anxiety sky rocket and my depression peak it's ugly little head out where I have been so happy lately. It just gets exhausting looking for a job and the prospect of doing it again so quickly is not a happy thought. But, I will do it...I will do what needs to be done if it kills me...not literally, of course. So cross your fingers for me, say a prayer, send me good thoughts...I greatly appreciate it. ♥

Fun Day at the Farmers Market

We had the best day today at the San Diego Farmers Market.  I love days when I feel good and alive and not worrying.  I will hope for more..but I'll let the pictures do the talking. 

 

My Demons...

NAMI | FDA Pulls Generic Version of Wellbutrin XL 300 mg

NAMI | FDA Pulls Generic Version of Wellbutrin XL 300 mg

Your Journey

Good with the Bad

These things are good: Ice cream and cake, a ride on a harley, seeing monkeys in the trees, the rain on my tongue and the sun shining on my face. These things are a drag: dust in my hair, holes in my shoes, no money in my pocket, and the sun shining on my face." -Rocky Dennis, The Mask 1985

I love this quote...it reminds me that things are more than one dimension.  Even things that make us happy or sad.  It is all perspective.  I am trying to change my perspective on things in my life, and trying to remember that even the happy has sadness somewhere and even sadness has happiness somewhere. If I ever master it, well, I'll be a genius-- more of one than I already am! Ha,ha!! 

But it does remind me of living in the desert, I mean look at this picture I took, it is so beautiful isn't it?  But, it also has 115° weather, and it's in the middle of no where, no getting to a store or movie theater or whatever, for an hour, and wind like hurricane weather frequently.  But if you want that view, you can't get it anywhere else!  

So... I guess we have to learn to take the good with the bad, instead of the good or the bad.

Things that make me Happy in everyday Life

My husband...19 years!

My son, 18!

My daughter, 13!

Thunder, 17!

Bearcat, 12!

 Mickey, 4!

My sweet puppies, Moo and Hank, 7!

Buddhism

My car! It is so fun to drive!

My coffee...Iced...everyday!

Give Me My Med's!!

I hope no one takes offense to this picture, but I found it so funny and so true!  What would I do without my med's?  Actually I don't have to search to hard to know, I have gone without medication before and it seems to start off fine and dwindle into a hot mess. And I mean me crying, me being super irritable, me thinking no one loves me, me questioning why I am even here...etc... Real Hot Mess!!  I honestly am so thankful for medication.  It keeps me feeling "normal".  It keeps my mind from racing and my thoughts from going wacko.  I think that has to be one of the most important reasons I continue to take it every day.  My sanity!  Second reason...the sanity of my family!  It is funny I say this though, as when I have not taken my medication for a while, like weeks, and someone close to me mentions it I freak out and start going on and on about how I don't need them...when I really do!  I just want to be right and not admit they make me a better person!  Lord, our minds are a crazy place to reside sometimes.

I do other things to combat my illness too.  I love writing this blog. I love walking my dogs, shopping at thrift stores, getting coffee at a fun coffee shop.   These things all bring me some amount of peace, if only for a short while.  What else do you do to keep stable and keep feeling good?

Peace...

This is one of my favorite quotes.  Why?  Because it reminds me that I am not happy when I am hiding in my shell, avoiding, denying.  It reminds me that I want to have peace and that I must go out and life life to find it. I think sometimes when I am feeling depressed I tend to want to shy away from things, and people. But I am not happy there. I might feel a bit safe there, but it is not fun.  I am trying to "train" my brain, if you will, to put these kind of quotes and feelings away in storage in my mind for when I am feeling blue. And try to remember the feelings they inspired in me at the time I read them, the truth they speak to me.  I know that at sometime in my life I will feel depressed and anxious again.  That is just life, but I hope to be able to rely on looking back at days like today when I am feeling good...and remember the good days will come again.  Remember that avoiding things will only keep the good days at bay longer and nudge myself into "living" so the good feelings come again, sooner. ♥

Be Kind to Yourself

Sun and Therapy

I had another visit with the therapist today.   I actually looked forward to it.  I think it has reminded me how nice it is to talk to someone else sometimes!  Weird huh?  It is just nice to have a conversation about life with other than the people you are living it with. I think that is why I like to blog too.  It gives me the chance to just be me and tell you how I am feeling and what I am going through. Then I get feedback and an objective point of view. Nice.

The weather is so perfect today.  My car temp says it is 77° and the sky is sunny and beautiful. I laid out on the trampoline with my dogs for a bit and just soaked in the warmth and good vibes. The weather was something else I talked about with my therapist today.  I told her I think I will miss the weather here in San Diego so much when we move next year.  I told her I dread how much I will miss it. But she reminded me to look for the positive...if it's snowing, it can still be sunny out, etc.  We'll see. I just love having the sunshine to look forward to each day.  It makes it so much easier to get out of bed and get going for the day.  I talk about it all the time, so I guess it has really made a difference in my life!!  I hope you all are having a great day.  Your lives really do inspire me in so many ways I could never fully convey.

Is there anything you look forward to each day? Or maybe each season? ♥

Mental Illness Awareness Week Oct.7-13, 2012

The Battle...

It seems from reading a number of blogs lately that people are either winning or losing their battles right now. No one really seems to drift in the middle much.  I have been on both sides of the coin.  Today, I feel good.  I feel like smiling, I feel like talking. (Even though I have no one to talk to in person apart from my immediate family.) I am in a mood where I feel free of burdening thoughts, and it is weird!!  I went to the psychiatrist today and he upped my lithium. I have been having headaches the past few days and he seems to think I need more lithium.  We'll see. I have to go get my blood tested for lithium levels in 3 weeks and then go back to him so he can see what range it is in, and adjust it accordingly. Let's hope it is normal.  I haven't felt this free of anxiety in a long time. Imagine that!  Me the worrier!  --Just kinda weird. I hope it lasts. I am thinking I am going to really keep saying the verse in this picture to myself.  Keep going.  Have courage.  Even when times are tough...even when it feels almost impossible, as it has in the past....here I am now, feeling good.  It does come...wait for it, push for it, KEEP GOING!!♥

***Thinking About It...

Thanks to all of you who commented on the Roots post.  It is still on my mind.  I guess none of us really has an answer for close relationship building huh?  I wonder if we all met in person if it would be as easy to converse then as it is here in the cyber world?  Funny huh.  How through your blogs I feel like I get to know each of you. I asked my therapist if she considered online friends, real friends.  She actually said yes, but to a point.  Obviously I couldn't call on anyone here to go to coffee, or pick up my daughter from school when I am running late.  But I do feel as if I am getting to know everyone and it is a comfort.  I am thinking....***thinking*** of reaching out of my comfort zone and trying to develop a friendship, so to speak. But to be honest it scares me to death!  On the other hand I have always seemed to find out that when I tackle my biggest fears, I am always happy I did.  But like I said I am still thinking about it.  Feels as if I am proposing to go bungee jumping or something nuts.  But that's how it feels. The only thing holding me back is I know I will be moving soon, in February probably, and it makes my mind say "Not now."  "It would only disappoint the other person and yourself." So I guess I am trying to figure out if that makes sense or not and if it matters or not. That "intuition" thing in my brain doesn't always work....so we'll see.

Hope you all have a great day!♥

Roots

Thinking on my appointment with my therapist last week, something she said keeps playing over and over in my head.  I told her I love to move. I love moving new places and seeing new people...notice I said seeing and not meeting....and learning new things.  And she proceeded to say "That is not really natural, people want to put down roots and connect with people.  I think you are missing out on something important in life."

Hum?  Why does this keep playing and playing through my mind? Why is it not natural to love to move?  It is for me. I honestly LOVE it.  You can remake yourself, you can start anew, and who doesn't like a fresh start?  I am sure what she meant by all of it was that people don't like to move because they have to uproot their relationships with people. They feel the pain of moving because they don't have certain people around them anymore.  I know that is probably how it is for many of you, but...not so much for me. I have no one important to hold onto, so it is easy to go.  But lately I have been thinking about the "big picture" of life.  Where is mine going to take me and with whom?  My family, my husband and children are with me now. But what about after the kids are gone? It will be me and my husband.  Will I drive him absolutely nuts?  He makes friends easily and has them when we move and keeps in contact with some.  I don't.  Maybe I do this to protect myself from hurt?  Maybe I do it because it seems like so much work trying to differentiate between what is the right amount of time to spend with a friend or not.  She also told me that for most people, relationships come naturally.  But to me...they don't.

I don't know where this post is leading me.  I guess I am just exploring the thoughts of making roots and developing relationships with people, and why I don't.  Maybe because growing up I always felt like the third wheel in a friendship of 3.  Or maybe I just don't want to have pain when I move. I don't want to have the pain of saying goodbye to people.  Yet at the same time I feel connected to the "place."  I don't know. I feel like I am sounding like a bad self help book all the sudden.  But, I wish I did know...and even though I might not always want to admit it, I wish I had a friend sometimes. I guess you just get use to being alone.  And then you start to feel safe there and then it becomes uncomfortable to move in any other direction.  So....any suggestions?