Silence

Please, Just Give Me A Lobotomy...

I need brain surgery....to make my brain "normal".  At least that's how I feel.  I am just daunted by the never ending task of what my brain tells me to do, and think, and feel.  It is too much work sometimes. I am tired of it.  I just want to "be".  Is that too much to ask for?  I just want to think the way I am supposed to. I just want to not worry and feel like a normal person.  I just want it to change it and NOW!  I have struggled with this since I was around 13!  I am 41 now...can I catch a break?  Please!  I have been on every med, talked to many therapists and done the things I am supposed to. Yet I feel I am being punished somehow.  I just want my brain to finally comply with my wishes!

How My Brain Works

This is SO me! Found on Pinterest...

What Happens When I Don't Take My Med's

Well it has been 3 days and I am SO glad the pharmacy got the prescription in today!!  How can I be the only person in my part of San Diego taking Anafranil??  I have had a headache all day, my stomach has hurt and I am feeling hyped up - And easily annoyed!!  I didn't mean to go this long, just forgot to call in my prescription on time! Not good...  Must make mental note to NEVER do this again.  My brain can not live without this medication...at least not right now. Boy do I get why they say don't just stop taking it all the sudden....Whew...

Do you ever forget your medication? Does it make you crazy, like me?

Do You Know?

It Takes Me Back...

I have been thrown back to a time of fear with the tragedy at the Aurora, CO theater.  It takes me back to how I felt after 9/11.  And I hate feeling this way.  I am not sure when I will feel like everything is "normal" again.  For some reason these happenings take on such a personal meaning to me.  I feel such grief for the loss of these people and their loved ones... and the loss of feeling safe.  I have no desire to go to a movie. I even looked around as I was out and about today thinking, what if?  What if tragedy were to strike here and now? What if death's time is now?  What if suffering came out of no where?  What if the world is just not safe enough?  The questions could go on forever. I know most would say "We cannot live in fear." But, I do.  I do live in fear. I have lived in fear since 9/11. I have wondered what if the semi coming onto base at the same time as me is full of explosives and detonates now?  What if the world falls apart and there is nothing I can do? How can I not feel sorry for anyone involved, how can I have a happy moment when there are people suffering? How is that fair?

I guess the answer is, it isn't fair. Life isn't fair.

The more positive side of me would say "You just have to make the most of each moment." That's all we can do.

Is that all we can do??

I Am About To Avoid You

I am.... not you. But someone else we haven't seen in a while. I am about to leave the house so I don't have to be here to see them.  I know it is bad, wrong, etc... but I just can't deal with seeing these people today. They are very social people and it makes me SO uncomfortable, I can barely breath.  So...I am going to the store to run an errand.  They are just coming over to borrow something from my husband. So I don't feel too bad about avoiding the situation. On the other hand, on the way off chance they ever see this and know it is them....I'm sorry. This is what Social Anxiety makes me do.  Well, is is what I let SA do to me. But sometimes I just can't help it!  It has been a long day, I've been cleaning and sweating and I just feel far from my best! Sorry. Sorry!

The Walls I Have Built

Unfortunately, I know this to be too true.   So many times I have missed out on things because of the "walls" I have built around me, or around my heart.  I really have few friends...but I have chosen this. So I can't really complain. I am confined by that wall and... I built it myself.  I also have missed out on activities thinking, "I can't do that or I won't do that because of so and so maybe happening." It is a shame to look back sometimes and think of some of the things I could of done. That is why I am trying to open myself up to saying yes, more often.  Instead of finding an excuse as to why I can't.  It isn't easy, but I am usually happier afterwards for the experience I have gained, or even the fun I have had. And if I don't like it, then I have a legitimate reason not to do it again.

Things That Scare Me

-The Dentist.- (PHOBIC)
-Death.-
-Hell.-
-God.-
-Church.-
-Something bad happening to a loved one.-
-Being left alone one day.-
-Meeting new people.-
-Swimming at the beach.-

Almost in exact order, some are too close to choose.  What scares you? Do you have any phobias?

Statements That Have Made Me Cry

-There is nothing wrong with you.-

-Have you taken your med's today?-

-No one else gets this upset about little things.-

-Maybe you should make a doctors appointment.- (referencing a psych doc)

-You're making this harder than it is.-


-There is nothing to be afraid of.-


We all have them, don't we?  Those statements made by people throughout our lives that seem to stay with us.  These are some that have stayed with me through the years.... Makes me really want to stop and think about what I say before I say it.  Funny how a few words can be engraved in your memory.

Things That Make Me Smile

I think I should maybe do a weekly post on things that make me smile...so I can remind myself that there are so many things, even if small, that do bring me joy.

Today, it is my puppy, (dog really, she is 7), Moo.  She is a miniature dachshund. We have had her since she was 6 weeks old and about as big as a hamster.  Funny thing is, my daughter begged to get her, I was SO reluctant. A dog?  The only dog I ever had as a child stayed outside and was dirty and was... my dads.  A dog would be SO much work.  I didn't think I wanted a dog!


But, I relented...and she came into our lives. She was so little. So sweet. So giving of unconditional love. I was bowled over!!  She is my heart!  She brings me so much happiness everyday. I can't imagine life without her.  She is one of those "things" in life that there are really no negatives attached to. She brings me pure happiness. She is always happy to see me, always wanting to be near me, no matter my mood! She is always there to remind me that happiness is possible. What else could a person ask for?  I LOVE my pup!!!

When My Mind is, Uh, Busy...

This morning I can write to you with my mind in full anxious, busy mode. I hate when I get this way. I will take xanax in a few minutes to help calm it.  For one, it is Friday the 13th.  Funny because I always say I am not superstitious, but this morning my worrying about things has taken me to the place where I might be.  I called my husband this morning and he didn't answer, texted him, nothing. He works 50 miles away. Most of the time when this happens I can push of bad thoughts and go on, but this morning I started thinking, What if he was in an accident and no one has called me about it yet?  What was the last thing I said to him when he left at 5:30 a.m. this morning?  What if I didn't say the right thing because I was half asleep?  What if???????

I have to engage in some strong self talk at this point..."Nothing is wrong!  He is in a meeting!  He is talking to someone in the office and can't answer! He forgot his phone in the truck or on his desk!  HE IS FINE!" (I yell at myself sometimes, not out loud of course, but in my mind.)

Then... he calls and I am relieved and mad at the same time. Mad? Yes, mad because I should not get so worked up and mad because he should have answered the first time and this would all be solved....Wait...
I can't put this on him. Now I feel bad!
Why is my mind like this?

A lovely look at the inner workings of my mind, huh?  I think I'll have that xanax now...

One of My Favorite Quotes

I think It speaks for itself. I often have to remind myself of this, when my anxiety is flaring or when I am faced with doing something I do not want to do, due to fear.

Where do I stand on God?

Seeing the response and the number of readings of my post on, My "Church" Story. I thought I might expand on what I have been feeling spiritually lately....I don't really have it all figured out.  But I have been exploring. I practicably know the bible back and fourth, going to church all your life till 18, five days a week can do that for you.  So I started thinking about being "christian" and what that meant and if that was the only "correct" religion, as I had always been told... or not.  Anyways, I was watching PBS one night and a documentary came on.... The Buddha.  You can watch it in full here: http://video.pbs.org/video/1461557530/  It is about 2 hours.  I had always thought as Buddhism as some far out there, other god, believing religion. But I was mesmerized as I started listening to the story of a prince who was missing something in his life and set out on a journey to leave all the glory behind and figure out what real life was all about. In short, he found enlightenment. I could not move during the entire program....it was if the television was speaking to me. 

I have found through more study that many westerners calling themselves Buddhists also call themselves Christians. And honestly that is where I am. I believe in God, I believe Jesus died on the cross to save us and I believe Buddhism has MANY outstanding ways to live your life.  And I believe that all religions do serve to get us to the same place with basically the same principals in mind. -Even though I still struggle with the idea of being good enough, and feel guilty often and suffer a great deal with religious scrupulosity.-  But the Buddhist way is just so peaceful and so... calming and accepting of all people.

Please know I am not writing this in order to be lectured on what you think I may or may not be believing in the "right" way according to you or according to what you believe.  I am writing this to show you where my spiritual journey has led me and is leading me. And I am not saying "Go out and become a Buddhist!"....what I am saying is give yourself the chance to learn about different things. Whether it be religion or not. Let your self be moved deeply by things you believe in!  I am not done searching in any sense of the word, but I am still searching. And that is just where I am....

So this is the beginning of happiness...

I love the movie The Hours, by Michael Cunningham. This is  one of my favorite quotes from it. I watched it, again, today. For some reason this movie always reminds me we are not as alone as we may think, and ALL people carry some type of burden with them.  I just want to try for a while to remember a part of this quote..."It never occurred to me it wasn't the beginning. It was happiness. It was the moment. Right then." 

Why do I want to remember this, you might ask?  So that I can remember that happiness is not some destination that is far off and often unreachable, so I can remember to take the little moments and make big memories out of them. So even if for a brief moment in time I feel good...I can feel good and I can  remember what it is like, in the moment, and later when I am not feeling so good. I want to start trying to make the happy outweigh the not so happy.

(By the way if you read my blog often, as I do...haha, would you not think I am really UP and then down in my emotions?  This is why I have questioned whether or not I might be bipolar...who knows!)

My "Church" Story

How we grow up seems to play such an integral part in our mental health, don't you think? I will try to encapsulate my story in as brief a way as possible.

Bad things happen at church.

This is the first thing that comes to my mind when thinking of my "church" story. And I shall preface this with the fact that I went to church as early as I can remember. I was molested at a baptist church...at preschool. I was probably 3 or 4 years old. It was myself and another little girl. I don't remember her name but I remember the molesters name. It is the same as mine...Shannon. He was a teenager,I think one of the centers teachers sons. He stuck his hands down my pants. Me and the other little girl...at the same time. Uh, makes me sick to my stomach thinking about it now. I didn't tell anyone till I was in my 20's. And what could I do about it then. I told everyone it was no big deal. That it hadn't affected me....but,I think it had. To this day I have trouble being with kids I do not know well. What if I were to harm them by accident? What if someone thought i harmed them? What if inarmed them and didn't even know it? See...I am nuts!! And from there the thoughts go on....s-c-a-r-y! I can barely write about it without panicing.

I then attended a main stream Church of Christ with my mom, mostly. Mainstream except it wasn't. It was "Extreem". Hell fire and brim stone. This is where I think I most definitely got my religious scrupulosity. I was constantly told everything I did was a sin. And the way to redemption...confession. It got to a point where I was making things up so I could confess and be lauded. I made sins up! Just so I could confess! In my early teen age years it got so bad I can remember thinking.."Well, if I think I did it, I must have, and that is bad, that requires forgiveness!". Right there... The pin point in time of my religious scrupulosity taking a hold on my mind. Sin or not, confess, be forgiven, be lauded. So incredibly crazy for a young teen to be feeling this way, in the midst of all the other things going on in your life at that time. Puberty, self awareness, self esteem. Uh! I am pissed that I was exposed to such a crazy way of thinking! And even now as I say it was crazy, my mind can still take me to those places. Writing this could be a sin... I am probably going to hell!

There is so much more to it than I could ever write in one post. But I am phobic of going to church! I will not go. I will not chance exposing myself or my kids to such torment. I know many people speak of church being a comfort in their lives, but to me it is a terrifying experience! It is scary! And I'll probably go to hell for thinking so! I will never be good enough for God. I will never be perfect enough. Being a good person is not good enough to get into heaven!

....That is where my mind goes. That's my "Church" story...in short. That is where I believe the beginnning of my obsessions and compulsions began.

I HAD to Share this!

Good point!! 

Back From Paradise

Well, I am back to blogging after a quick trip to Paradise, CA. It was a good time. I felt much more comfortable than I thought I would. Or rather, worried that I would.  Our friends were great hosts and we had a great time. I LOVE their home and how it feels so country and cozy.  And love the way it is decorated!

We went to the lake near by and had a great time. Loved going  boating. I must admit, I NEVER go in the water....but I did and had a great time. I am always concerned about how I look....And I hate wearing a bathing suit...but I did. I also hate getting my hair wet...one of those weird OCD things...but I had a big hat and it covered my hair, so I got in. lol

Anyways it was fun and I tried my best to look like I was feeling fine even when I was anxious. Although I was much less anxious than I thought I would be. Here are some pics from the trip...

The Late Night Worry Game

I found this on Pinterest today, and this is SO how my brain works so many nights. It gave me a chuckle.  Enjoy!

Travelling With OCD

So,I am about to go out of town for a few days. And I thought I would write a post about what goes through my mind when I am about to travel and be in other peoples homes and spaces. I like to go places, but it can also bring me anxiety. This can come on while packing, on the way there, and while I am there.

Packing, well lets just say that it is a mini nightmare for me. What the heck are we doing and what should I wear so I look like I belong in the proper activity.  Lord, I tend to pack WAY more than I need because I could change my mind about the appropriateness of an outfit at any given time. I need to be able to change clothing if and when this occurs.  So I spend days thinking about what I should pack. I may go and pick something up from the store if I feel I don't have something "right" for the situation.  I put out different outfits on the bed. My thoughts get jumbled on what I might feel like wearing, so I pack double to be sure. And then I still worry it won't be enough or won't be good enough. So for a 4 day trip I probably pack enough for 8 days. Uh!

On the way there. We are travelling on the interstate. Lots of cars, lots of stops at strange places, lots of anxiety.  I have to force myself to not to think about the numerous opportunities for accidents while driving. What if's, can get out of control if I am not careful. Then the stops at odd bathrooms and restaurants. Ugh. Ugh. Ugh.  If you have any amount of contamination OCD, need I say more??? It can be challenging to say the least.

Then I am there. Out of my house, out of my control...well that is how it feels. This is a tricky thing for me. I am someone who hoards privacy for themselves and likes their own bathroom and own space.  I am not one of those get up and go naturally girls. I need to put on my  make up and do my hair and "get ready".  Then I go to McDonalds for  my morning coffee. Yes, I do this every morning. It's how I've always done it. Well. maybe not the coffee part, but the rest.  So if I am at someone else's house this can be anxiety ridden for me as I feel like I need to hurry up. I feel like I should offer to everyone, coffee?  But they usually say no, or they make it themselves. Which I don't do, so then I feel like I look nuts.

Anyways, I am concerned the whole time about doing and saying the right things. And making myself seem likeable....and making sure my family is not getting annoyed with me because I might not be social enough.  Or I may appear ungrateful to the hosts when in actuality I am anxious. 

So...there it is. And the person I am going to see this week will probably read this which makes me nervous. But I just think I should share it to get it out of my head. Is there anything you do to make yourself better when travelling?  Or am I the only one who goes through this??