I Am Selfish

That's how I feel right now.

My son's good friend, who is a girl,  only 17, has bone cancer. She has had her entire hip bone removed and replaced. She has been "cured" and relapsed several times in her short life. Her mother and brother both died of cancer. She is in the ER tonight. She doesn't want to live with cancer anymore. She doesn't want to live. I feel so overwhelmed with hurt for her. I feel selfish for ever entertaining a thought of the same. She has every reason in the world to feel that way. What ever was my reason?  I wish I could take away her cancer and her pain. I hate her cancer for her. Why?  It just isn't fair. Why?  It makes me feel like an idiot for ever hurting. I am sad.

My View.

This is my view right now. I'm buried in boxes!  The movers come tomorrow with the truck to get all he boxes they packed. It is getting tiresome already. And today is the last day for me to use the washer and dryer so I'm having a laundry fest.

I'm on my phone as the computer us packed so bear with me!! 

Awry!

Can we say "Why do these things happen when we move?"  Oh yes, the wonderful unexpected stress!

My daughter dislocated her knee yesterday doing cartwheels on the trampoline.  She landed on it wrong and right out of place it went.  I thought "Oh it will just hurt for a while and be sore but fine." -Because I have a "trick knee" and I thought it was just like that. In and out and sore but ok... Nope, it started swelling to the size of a large grapefruit.... and this is large on a tiny 14 year old girl with not an ounce of extra pounds on her! So to the ER we went...  she has damaged the tissue around it!  She is in a brace and on crutches for 4-6 weeks and I have to take her back to the Ortho. Doctor next week and then as soon as we get to Georgia for either physical therapy or God knows what if it doesn't seem to be healing the right way!  Luckily she is not in much constant pain, they gave her Tylenol with codeine and Motrin. She INSISTED on going to school today, the only child in the world who LOVES school and can not miss a day under any circumstances...according to her. The doctor said let her if she wants! Crazy child of mine!

I am trying to be calm!  But inside I am a mess!! Ugh!  I pray nothing else happens before we move! I should have known though.... something always goes awry at the best times!♥

Oh Boy...

Here we go.  The movers are coming on Thursday to start packing!  I am only going to live in this house a few more days!! Uh! I am scared and excited and everything rolled up into one. We brought the camper to the house today, we are going to stay in it until we find a place to live in Georgia. Don't worry, it's not like "camping"!!  It's like a mini home.  So I am good.  It will still be a bit stressful all being so close under one roof, but we have done it before and it was fine.

I have a million and one things to do still.  My lists never end! And as soon as one might, I add to it.  Thank God we have movers to do all the stressful packing!!  Thank God the military pays for that.  That is just too much for me. I have done it before and it is NO fun!!  I like them to do it, thank you very much!

I need to really keep a hold of as much simplicity in craziness as I can this week.  If I start to feel stressed, I need to step back for a minute and chill.  It is going to be a challenge.

I will have my ipad as I move, so I should be able to update the blog from it.  It will help keep me sane!  You all help keep me sane!

Another thing I plan on trying my best to do... Don't sweat the small stuff!!  I have thoughts of going through every drawer and every cabinet and cleaning and rearranging before the movers get here, but I know that is just NOT practical, or really necessary!  So I will be trying to resist that urge as much as possible.  I keep telling myself, "I am clean. The house is clean. They don't care if there is one thing out of place or a spoon where the forks are supposed to be... " Hopefully it will work!!

I will try to take hot baths and breath in and out!  And I will try not to run and hide when they are in the house packing.  I will feel uneasy but I know I am going to feel that way, and I know that I just will have to deal with it.  Funny what we 'know' sometimes, wish my brain would follow along with it though.

Oh well... I just wanted to update.  Send me good thoughts and prayers!!♥

(Can you tell I was typing and thinking this all in super fast motion??  My mind is on blitz right now!)

An Article So Worth Reading

An Article So Worth Reading

Activist Aaron Swartz's suicide sparks talk about depression - Jan. 14, 2013

Manic

I feel manic today. I am giddy and jumping around and unsettled and talkative and ready to something or anything or all things.  Other than that my brain is a blank. Just thought I'd share. Weird!

Headache-schmedache

I have a headache, but I am thinking of you all! Have a great weekend!♥

They're Here...

Sounds like a reference to poltergeist, but alas it is a reference to the guy who is taking an inventory for our move.

This makes me ULTRA UNCOMFORTABLE!  I am a very private, socially disinclined person.  So I like to keep my stuff to myself.  Having someone come in and go through my stuff...not a nice feeling. He seems like a nice guy, but... I don't like it.  And I will be even more uncomfortable when they come to pack it.  I am even bowing out of the process by letting my husband trail with him through the house. Ugh.  It literally makes me sick to my stomach.  And what's to boot is my husband is a conversationalist, so it takes a bit more time to get it done than it would with someone like...me.  Someone who might push the process along as fast as it could go.

Of course, I had to clean everything yesterday so in my mind it would appear that I am not some horrendous slob, even though, I'm not.  I had to make sure everything was in it's place and clean to me.  A long process.  And after he leaves I will worry about what he thought about the house, what he thought about how clean or dirty it was to him.  It is a horrible thought process for me.  I hate my babbling mind sometimes!!

We also got the dates for the day they come to pack everything and the day they come to load everything.  A few days before I thought. That puts me a bit off kilter, too. Moving... I am stressed to the max at this moment. All my buttons are being pushed and my heart is pounding. I will be happy for it to be over. ♥

Starting to Stress

Yes, I know stress is a natural side affect of many things... like moving.  But I just want to make sure I don't go over the edge like last time.  I had given a two week notice at work, but I got sick yesterday (cold I guess) and I am being bombarded with thoughts of everything I need to do... every. little. thing.  It can get over whelming. So told my job I was done. There is just too much to do and too much to think about to add anything extra right now. I know... I probably should have stayed the last two weeks, but the last week I would be there is over nights (which I have never done) for inventory.  I just don't think adding that to everything else is healthy for me right now. So...that is that, till I get to Georgia, and then I will find a new job after getting settled in.

I still feel good.... I just feel like I want to stay feeling good.  My thoughts are racing a bit more than usual, but I guess that is going to be "normal" for me.  I have so much to do.  Movers, packing things I want with me right away, getting rid of things I haven't used in forever, checking my daughter out of school, my husband retiring, making sure  pets have what they need to be moved relatively easily, etc.etc....  I keep thinking I have written "the list"  but the "the list" keeps getting revised!

*Six Habits of Highly Empathetic People*

Six Habits of Highly Empathetic People

I thought this article was so right on, I had to share. I notice these qualities in so many of "us" here!♥

Monday Mantras

Linking up again with A Cat Like Curiosity for Monday Mantras! Link up by clicking the picture above!

I love this one by Dolly.... Find out who you are and do it on purpose!! Love it!♥

Twenty-Something Days!

Yes, I am twenty-something days away from moving.  It is funny because I have always gotten super stressed out around moving times, but this time I am not feeling so much stress as I might think I should be. Maybe because I am trying not to think about it so hard. Or maybe because I know by now, this our twelfth move that I can remember, that I am just resigned to the chaos of a move. Anyways, I am cautious, but seemingly, weirdly not yet stressed.

Moving is something that can be upsetting to mentally ill people.  You lose all routine, all familiarity, all comfort of your own surroundings.  It can be a jolt.  Moving to California from North Carolina six years ago we decided to drive ourselves across country figuring it would be a quick four day trip and not too bad a drive.  WRONG!  It was one of the most bewildering, stressful, crazy times ever!  Imagine, 4 cats, 2 kids, and 2 adults all in the interior of one vehicle along with pulling a trailer and it being the middle of winter going across country.  Not fun, at all.  Needless to say on about the fourth day of our journey of long days in the car and short nights in hotels, I had a nervous breakdown.  I lost it. I was having panic attacks, heart palpitations and was so stressed out I couldn't sleep in the hotel or the car.  We stopped in New Mexico at an emergency room in a tiny, middle-of-nowhere town and I think I made the nurses feel SO bad for me.  I was crying and shaking and just done.  Done!  Luckily, I looked stressed enough for them to prescribe me Xanax to get me through the rest of the move. Which ended up being 7 days cross country instead of four.  I swore then and there "Never Again!".  So that is why this move my daughter and I are flying across country instead of driving with the boys.  And I am so very thankful for this fact!!  Literally, Praise the Lord!!

What is the same about this move is I will be moving to a place I have never been.  Totally anonymous to me!   It is thrilling and unsettling at the same time. But at least my sister will be there!

So what else am I doing to guard my sanity this time around?  Complying with all medications, making sure I voice all concerns and then figure out what is the best way to deal with them and... what else...ignoring as much as possible, so as not to stress too much! - I do make myself laugh sometimes!

What do you do in a stressful move, or a new stressful situation?  Let me know!

Avoiding Hurt

If something annoys me or makes me feel bad, I remove it from my life. This can be good and it can also be not so good? Maybe?

It is funny how I have a great ability to worry about things and reminisce about things for ever but I have also  a great ability to ignore things and block things I no longer want to deal with.  I don't know if this is always good, but it is a coping mechanism.  It is something that I do.

I grew up with people, the church, telling me what to do all the time.  I was a follower.  I am a natural introvert  and I think this sometimes lends to me being quiet and taking things in, deeply.  So I don't always speak my mind. I like to think this is partly because I am really trying to teach myself that everyone's own experiences have brought them to the place they are at in their own lives and those experiences have formed their opinions on everything.  I mean, that is just a fact of life. So if something hurts me, physically or emotionally I remove it.

My avoidance is a wall I build to protect myself from hurt.  I do not want to feel hurt. I hurt enough in my own life, in my own mind. I do not want to add any additional, unnecessary hurts.  Also, I do not want to hurt others, as this is a fear I have in physical and emotional relationships.  I am sure this extends from the fact that I was abused, and that my OCD thoughts about hurting others is a very, very scary and deeply horrible thing for me to deal with.  So this has made me into the great avoider I have become.

So is this good? Is this something necessary for me to live my life to the best of my ability?  I am still trying to figure that one out.  

Friday's Letters

Dear Alarm Clock,
You made me mad today!  Why do you have to awaken me when I am still so tired? I wish you didn't exist sometimes. Ugh!

Dear Responsible Me,
You made me mad today, too!  I wish you would take a walk sometimes.  Why is it so important for me to live up to your expectations?  I really didn't want to go to work today and you popping your big nose into my business and insisting on me going to work and being on time and basically being a "big girl" really t'd me off!  Ugh...again. (Although I do thank you every time I get a paycheck...)

Dear House,
I wish you would self clean. I really just feel like sitting and doing nothing this weekend, but you are going to make that almost impossible.... you and that dang Responsible Me!

Dear Upcoming Move,
I can't believe you are only 24 days away!!  How have you snuck up on me so quickly?  Slow down a little bit?  Please?

Dear Weekend,
I am SO glad you are here and SO glad I have filled you with nothing more important than cleaning.  I am so ready to stay up late, sleep in and watch tv as much as I want!  Yea!

Dear Blog Friends,
I hope you have a great weekend planned with things that bring you some amount of pleasure, even if like me, you are planning on staying home and hanging out.... relax!

Rock Bottom

When I tell any one of you that I have felt your pain.... I hope you know I truly mean it.  I want you to know that you have been accompanied by me in that awful nightmare of a walk through bad times. I really have been there.  I notice quite a few people feeling worse at this time of year, maybe it's the holiday, or the weather.  I wish I could take away your pain. I wish life was so much easier than it is for you.  I just hope you know that if you are feeling like the only one, if no one seems to get what you are saying and you don't feel important at all, you are important to me. How would I live without all of your words?  You make me see things in myself I have never seen, you make me thankful for all I have ever felt, for everything I have ever been through, and most importantly you remind me that I am not the only one who has ever felt like giving up, felt like I was not anything, felt like a failure, felt embarrassed or ashamed. I just hope somehow that  my few words might make you feel like you have a friend.

~I know this post sounds dorky and nuts, maybe it is, I mean who am I, right? But honestly this is how I feel. Thanks~

***2013***

I am not one for making resolutions for the new year.  Why I am not, I can only guess is a product of my upbringing, no one really ever made resolutions.... well, any they actually kept.  So I just kind of look forward to this year and aspire for the best to happen.

This new year will bring many changes for me and my family.  We will be moving at the beginning of February, and that will be a challenge for all of us.  I do love to move, like I have mentioned before, but I have never lived as close as we will be to family, for the past 20 years.  All of my life as a wife and mother.... basically all of my life as an adult, I lived the life of a military wife. This entails being alone quite a bit... so I will have adjusting to do. It is exciting and worrying at the same time.

I am trying to approach this move with as little stress as possible, but lets face it, moving is stressful, no matter how exciting.  There are always so many things going on at once and the older your children get, the harder it is because you feel their pain of saying goodbye to friends and schools and jobs and everything they have found familiar.  Funny how I grew up in one town my whole childhood and prayed and wished to move so hard every night, and my children have lived all over the United States and they have prayed and wished to never move again.  But we do what we have to.  We do what we need to... and we feel we need to move closer to family as we and they age.... there are only so many moments to be captured with the ones you love and hold dear, and to miss them more than need be is just not what we want to do anymore.  I think living apart from our families for so long has given us an appreciation for loving the moments we have with them, no matter how annoying!

I will be living in the same town as my sister, and my niece whom I have never met!  She is 6 months old. I am so very excited to be close to them.  Is there anything better than a sister?  Someone you can be friends with and confide in and be close to and laugh with and get annoyed at... and through it all know that you will always come back together and feel a connection that can not be felt with anyone else. At least that is how it is with me.  Love those girls so much!

Anyways, my wish for you this 2013 is that you find something, anything you are looking for.  That you are able to take in each moment, good or bad, and realize it for what it is...life.  I love and hate so many emotions, but I want to be thankful for the journey.  Be thankful for what it has taught me and will teach me.  I want to remember that being able to be compassionate is a trait I never want to lose. I want to remember that my journey has made me who I am, and despite all the things I would love to change about myself, I could not be who I am without the roller coaster that my life has been. And I will never stop being thankful for reading all of your joys and struggles and happiness and sadness... it really makes me a better person.  So thanks!! You have been a part and will be a part of why this will be a great year.

 Happy New Year!