Secret No More -- I Got A Job

So, I hadn't mentioned it because maybe I thought I wouldn't stick to it, but I have. I got a job. I started today.  It is only part time at a retail store doing merchandising, but yeah...I am working now.  Funny how I usually try and avoid people, but when I work I always seem to do really great and end up being a really good employee. (Not that I am bragging, just an odd way of my mind working.)  My therapist said all my employers love me most likely because I am so OCD about everything. I am on time, I never call in sick, I do my job and the job of others who aren't keeping up, and I am organized and neat and just good. lol  Makes me laugh because you might think just by reading my blog that I would be cranky, late, disorganized and annoyed by other employees! But, at least I am really good at something in life.  Even if it is a job that many consider unimportant and low paying. What can I say. I am looking forward to getting a paycheck again and today I actually conversed easily with the other people there for training...  No matter how awkward I really felt.  So, I guess it is a good thing.  Yeah.

Therapist

I was expecting someone different in my mind, from who my therapist turned out to be. But...It wasn't a bad thing.  "Why are you here?" ---Uh, well....where do you want me to start?  It is hard to try and encompass your entire life's struggles into a 45 min 1st session.  After I left I was thinking of a million things I forgot to say. But all in all, I would say it went ok.  I was told I am too hard on myself...yeah, I knew that.  But she gave me some things to think about and focus on.  So we'll see...

On a side subject she talked about how humans are naturally social beings. And how friends can play such important roles in our lives.  I, of course, talked about not having any "friends" and how it seems so complicated to me. Like when do you call?  Do you have to call everyday? Do you have to see them all the time?  I mean things that for others seem to be intuition, to me are not so easily manifested.  I like my privacy. I like to be alone.  I do miss having people to call or talk to on occasion, but, you know, I am used to it.  I guess the point is for me to get out of my comfort zone....but...I don't know. We'll see.        

I also realized how I am SO like my mother.  In SO many ways, that are just funny and weird. And at the same time SO not like her...or my dad.  But I guess we all take on some attributes of the people we grew up around. And I realized some of those things I might have criticized her for are some of the same things I do myself. Uh!  Don't you hate it when that happens!!

I don't know. I am going to continue seeing her at least twice a month.  She also runs an anxiety group she said I might be interested in but, we'll see.  It was nice to talk to someone though, who had no judgement. Just ideas and recommendations.♥

Enough...

Uh....the dreaded headache.... the one I was hoping to avoid.  I seem to get one every time I have started a new medication or stopped an old one. My head has pretty much hurt non stop since 3am.  All I can take is Tylenol....Which does absolutely nothing for it!!  The medication interaction calculators all say not to take Motrin or aspirin with lithium!  I am going to the therapist tomorrow, thought it was Wed but it is Tuesday....so I will ask then what to do if I can't take those.  Ugh.  Not fun. On the flip side I am feeling better than I had been last week...mentally I mean.  So I hope that continues.

I hope I like my therapist tomorrow.  Once again, as with going to new doctors, I must reexplain my whole life.  But I like getting new opinions on it.  I once thought of being a therapist, picking people's brains. Getting to hear their inner most thoughts, seeing their perspective on their world.  I think it would be a neat job.  Anyhow, I'll report back tomorrow with how the appointment goes.

I read a story/poem today that made me realize something, so I will share it now.  It made me realize that we don't need "all" or "only" happiness.  That we just need "enough."

I Wish You Enough

Recently at an airport, I overheard a father and daughter in their last moments together. They had announced her departure and standing near the security gate, they hugged and he said, “I love you, I wish you enough.”She in turn said, “Daddy, our life together has been more than enough. Your love is all I ever needed, I wish you enough too, Daddy.” They kissed and she left.

He walked over toward the window where I was seated. Standing there, I could see he wanted and needed to cry. I tried not to intrude on his privacy, but he welcomed me in by asking, “Did you ever say good-bye to someone knowing it would be forever?”

“Yes, I have,” I replied, “forgive me for asking, but why is this a forever good-bye?” I asked.

“I am old and she lives much too far away. I have challenges ahead and the reality is, the next trip back would be for my funeral,” he said.

“When you were saying good-bye I heard you say, ‘I wish you enough’, may I ask what that means?”

He began to smile. “That’s a wish that has been handed down from other generations. My parents used to say it to everyone.” He paused for a moment and looking up as if trying to remember it in detail, he smiled ever more. “When we said, ‘I wish you enough,’ we were wanting the other person to have a life filled with just enough good things to sustain them,” he continued and then turning toward me he shared the following as if he were reciting it from memory.

I wish you enough sun to keep your attitude bright.
I wish you enough rain to appreciate the sun more.
I wish you enough happiness to keep your spirit alive.
I wish you enough pain so that the smallest joys in life appear much bigger.
I wish you enough gain to satisfy your wanting.
I wish you enough loss to appreciate all that you possess.
I wish you enough “Hello’s” to get you through the final “Good-bye.”

Tears filled his eyes and he walked away.

And so,

I wish you enough.

(author unknown)

Med's, Today

Let's see. I have been taking the lithium and bu-spar for the past 2 days now... and my normal clomipramine (Anafranil).  And so I am feeling a bit better, I think. Although, when I take the bu-spar, as needed for anxiety, I get really sleepy, really quick.  Actually, I haven't taken one today. My anxiety has been lower the past few days so I didn't need one. I know some would say I should not be able to tell a difference yet, but I feel like I do.  So, so far so good I would say.  I have an appointment with a therapist on Wed. So we will see how that goes.

Today we went to Mission Bay and took the dogs to the beach.  They had a great time.  It is a small island and has specific dog beaches on it and there are always bunches of people with their dogs.  I love seeing all the different breeds of dogs. All off their leashes. Chasing balls, playing in the water, greeting the other dogs. It is fun.

I have a friend or two who think San Diego was a bad place to live. But I have to totally disagree. I love it. There is everything to do here from Sea World, to Belmont park, tons of beach, tons of dog parks, landscaping like no ones business, one of the best looking citys I have ever lived in, all nationalities, all religions, colleges, and last but certainly not least...the best weather you could ever ask for! Sunshine, mid to upper 70 degrees almost year round!  I will miss it so much when we leave. So much!!  I have fallen in love with a place. Funny, huh? I do not talk of people I might miss, only the place itself. ♥

Research! ...and anxiety!

I have been researching Bipolar II,since the official diagnosis yesterday, and found some pretty interesting things that I had never seen before and that make HUGE sense to me.  This is one web page I found and the OCD link just struck me like a lightning bolt.  I will be interested to see how it might play out in the long run for my diagnosis.  

http://www.psycheducation.org/depression/Anxiety.htm

OCD has a complex relationship with bipolar disorder.  I'm certain I've seen some patients start out looking like they have classic OCD and end up looking like they have definite bipolar disorder without OCD.  These two conditions might be part of the same thing somehow, at least in some people.  At least we know they are found together very often, much more so that one would expect.  In one study, 20% of people with bipolar disorder had OCD, twice the number seen in unipolar depression (which is also higher than people with no diagnosis).^Chen
A group of researchers has looked at how OCD and bipolar relate.  They found that whereas unipolar depression was "incidental", i.e. not clearly related to the OCD (although common), by contrast bipolar disorder seemed to be more directly related to the OCD.  For example, people with religious and sexual obsessions as part of their OCD were more likely than those with other obsessions to have bipolar disorder.  The authors specifically recommend that bipolar disorder take precedence over the OCD in terms of which is treated first.^Perugi

Anyhow, I just took the fist litium and am waiting to see if it causes any side effects or not. So we'll see. ♥

The Answer?... Dr. News

Well, today was my much awaited appointment with my new psychiatrist. Maybe something will change for the better this time. He diagnosed me as bipolar II, which I have long suspected. And added that to the list of  Anxiety, and OCD. So, my meds were added onto.  Kind of embarrassing for me to say but, I will now be taking lithium carbonate and then bu-spar as needed and still the Anafranil.  A whole host of fun medication!  But maybe it will help.  I will start it tomorrow afternoon as the pharmacist had to order it.

He is a kind man, maybe from India?  He seemed to listen and take into account all I was saying. Which was nice, but at the same time, I wonder about him.  Was he really interested?  Did he really hear everything I was saying?  I don't know. He said I seemed like an intelligent person, so who knows. Just glad it is over. Now I am just a bit scared to start the meds, I hope there are no weird side effects I encounter. I hope it helps.  I go back in 2 weeks. And he recommended I start therapy again.   Which, they always recommend!  So nothing new there!  So...that was my day.

I am still anxious and uneasy from yesterday. But hopefully in a few days I will feel better. We'll see. ♥

360°

Sometimes life throws you a curve ball and things, well they are overwhelming me. I am going to become paranoid I think. I only say this as I am feeling like I did after having my second child and having postpartum. Except, I am not postpartum.   It is a heavy feeling. It is scary and I feel alone. Yes, you, you all are out there, some feeling the same way, but it is lonely none the less. I pray that things turn around for the better and the doctor tomorrow can some how bring me some peace of mind.  Even though I feel bad for praying as I don't seem to thank him enough and ask for things in time of need.  I'm sure the doctor will give me a pill... I almost feel as it will be a placebo for life.  Comfort in a pill.  Is it really comfort? Does it matter?  I was joking earlier today and now I just am yuck.  I wish I had a xanax right now. As much as I don't know if I like taking them, I like taking them when I feel this way.  Having a drink instead.  Yes, I know it is not the best solution, but it helps, for now.  Sorry to be so incredibly down, and depressing. :(

Let's Hope for # 2!

Oh boy.  How fun. My new doctor appointment tomorrow.  Let me arrive 15 minutes early to fill out 10 pages on why I am there, and what I am experiencing and what I have ever experienced and all the medication I have ever taken... Is 10 pages enough?  I SO look forward to it.  But, I guess it is what it is.  I hope I like my doctor. Unlike previous attempts at choosing a doctor I did this "blind." I did not look up his picture or reviews on the internet. We'll see if this works for me or not. Although I must say I have been to about any and all range of doctors you could probably see. Women, Men, young, very young, old, very old and in between, all races, shapes and colors.  Oh, how I make myself laugh sometimes!


Anyways, I will be happy to let everyone know how it goes tomorrow afternoon.  I am expecting one of two things to happen, because in my experience so far, they have... 1) I will have a doctor who comes off as extremely higher than thou, who does not like me spewing any of my knowledge about my illness and who thinks they have the best plan for me, is totally uninterested, while trying to appear interested, in anything I say and who sends me out the door in a matter of minutes or 2) A doctor who is interested likes hearing about what I have found out through the years and believes we can work together to find a course of treatment we are both happy with.  Let's hope for #2 shall we!  If it is #1 I am tempted to say "You know I can tell this is not going to work as I find you uninterested and preoccupied. I think I will find someone else." ---Ha, ha, ha...In my dreams I would say that!!  But we shall see.

Wish me luck!!

I Find This Funny! ♥

Hope everyone has had at least a smile today!♥

I Consider Myself A Rational Person....

Oh wait...not really because OCD throws all rationality out the window.  Doesn't it?  Whether it is making a decision, contemplating thoughts or, dang, going to the grocery store... I tend to go with my first instinct. This is good and bad. I have always heard, "Trust your instincts."  But in OCD is this a reliable statement?  Isn't jumping to conclusions what we do? Or is that something most people do?  But we, with OCD, just seem to examine things over and over in our minds, thinking "Is this normal?"

How do I turn off my feelings?  This is not a task I have managed to learn very well. You feel what you feel... right?  People's own circumstances and life experiences shape their feelings and views on life. Don't they?  I really do try to understand this. I try to understand that though something may not make me feel a certain way, someone else feels a certain way because of their life experiences. And they have the right to feel that way. It is just human nature. Isn't it?

I think this is why I have such a hard time with things on occasion.... I think too much.  My mind becomes a trap of what if's and how comes...and so on and so on.... I strive to be a "good" person but struggle with knowing just exactly what makes someone good enough.

Feelings are very important to me. I guard mine with huge walls...I guard my heart. I can't take pain. It is too much for me.  Rational-smashtional....

Do you deal with this? Is this normal human emotion or OCD?

You're Right....Yes, You!

Ok, Ok, I know I can't become a raging alcoholic! Funny how my mind thinks if I have a drink now and then that I will turn into one. I think it is because many in my family have suffered with and succumbed to alcoholism and addiction.  So... it scares me.  I think I may be hyper-vigilant about it.  But then again what am I not hyper-vigilant about?  Ya know, that little thing called OCD...the thing that keeps my mind going all the time, thinking all the time, churning all the time. The never ending relentlessness....

So...that leaves me with talking to my new doctor on Wednesday when I go to my appointment. Chalk it up to one more thing I will be trying to explain about myself, while still appearing half way "normal"...but crazy enough to need the Anafranil.  Ha!  Funny how a place where I am supposed to find refuge can even bring on anxiety.  You know that feeling where you want to explain how you are...but you don't know the doctor yet so you don't want to seem too over the top nuts.  Uh, I just have to laugh at myself sometimes.  Welcome to my mind!

So... Opinions Please!

So...I can get away with telling you whatever I want as you just read this blog and honestly wouldn't know if any of it was true or not. But...I'm too dang honest!  This past week I was stressing so horribly and I am no longer on Xanax, so I had a drink....3 nights.  Why do I feel so bad?  I guess because I know I could easily have a problem with it if I let myself. It just felt so good to not feel and not think for a bit. I can rationalize it by saying it was just one drink on 3 different nights, but is that a good enough excuse?  I just think it may be worrying when I think "I'd love to have a drink tonight." and then that is all I am thinking about all day.  I have never called myself an alcoholic, but I know I could be easily addicted and I know it is not a good thing to wish to be drinking and to drink alone...Uh.  My husband knows, he was with me. He does not drink, alcoholism runs in his family.  But I know he wouldn't like it if I suddenly had to have a happy hour every night and if it became something I couldn't live without. SO....I'm back to not drinking again.  Maybe if I had a friend to have a glass with it would seem less crazy.  I don't know what people consider normal when it comes to alcohol.  But is it worse to have a drink a couple nights a week or take Xanax everyday?  Uh....

Opinions Please!!

National Suicide Awareness Day

If you need help PLEASE do not hesitate to call :

New Doctor On the Agenda

Well, I finally got an appointment at a new psychiatrist office...even though it is almost 2 weeks away. But I am happy and not about it.  I hate going to a new doctor and having to fill out 5 million pages of questions on how I am feeling. And when questions say "Do you feel hopeless?"--does it mean right that second? On meds? Off meds?  I just hate it. But I guess that is what has to be done. I will be interested to see what this doctor's take on me is. I have moved so much throughout my life that I have seen plenty of different doctors. Some agreeing with previous diagnosis and some coming up with their own. So it should be interesting.

Fortunately the high anxiety I had been feeling earlier this week seems to have stopped today, if not only momentary, it has been nice. I hope it continues.

I am trying to focus on positive things, even though I don't always feel like it... ha, ha, ha....so I will end today  with this quote:

Today... the Positive

Today I am going to write sort of a positive affirmation post. Well, things I think about myself besides the negative things.... and try to focus on them. I'll focus on 10...

1. I am compassionate. I take everything to heart and try to make peoples worlds better if only for a minute.
2. I am zany.  Maybe I am manic, but I can be funny and make people laugh...at least my kids and husband.
3. I am generous.  If someone needs something and I have it, I will give it to them.
4. I make good spaghetti. Everyone always loves it and wants more. :)
5. I am a good mom. I try everyday to make my kids feel extra loved and give them whatever I can.
6. I am unique...I have never met anyone identical to the person I am. And I like it that way.
7. I am curious. I like leaning new things about the world around me and the people around me.
8. I am tactful.  I would never try to make someone feel embarrassed or say anything hurtful, especially in front of others.
9. I am independent.  Even though it is sometimes nice to have others around, I can pretty much accomplish anything I set my mind to by myself.
10. I am tolerant. I like people to have their own ideas and express them. And I like to reflect upon them.

Whew...why is it so hard to make a list of things I like about myself and so easy to talk about the things I don't?  What do you like about yourself?

It's a horrible feeling!

My anxiety is really UP there this week. I am a ball of nerves. I hate it. I try to do things to escape it, walk the dogs, clean, anything, but somehow it finds me!  Stress!  I hate feeling like I might have a heart attack at any moment...maybe I am having one now and don't know it... maybe I will have one if I don't stop stressing! The "Maybe's" are following me very close. I hate it. I think I am going to have to make an appointment so I can discuss what I need to do or take, like the Xanax, so I can stop feeling this way.  It's like I am being stalked by anxiety.  I can't shake it. It is a horrible feeling. Whew...

Just as an add on..Of course I can't get an appt for almost 2 weeks!!!  Ugh!

I Hope Today is Yesterday's Tomorrow

No Xanax!?!?!?!

Well, I stopped taking Xanax about a month ago. I was only taking one a day, 1mg., and decided I could live without it.  Now I am questioning that decision!!  I had a horrible weekend of anxiety and crying and now this morning, I am feeling better, but my heart rate is up, 117, and I am shaky and anxious!  I just took the dogs for a walk to try and release some of the adrenaline, and it helped a bit, but I still feel anxious. I know many people do not like to take a medication that can become addicting,  and that is part of the reason I stopped taking it, as I had taken up to 5 pills a day at one time, but now I SO wish I had one. Uh.  I hate feeling this way.  I have yet again, looked up the steps to helping yourself get over a panic attack and the only one that really helps is exercise...or getting busy doing something else.  My house is spotless right now from this weekend! How do you cope when you are overly anxious or in a panic?

Cry

Sometimes you have to cry it out. That is about what my day was like. That is about all.

My Brain!

Always...