Monday Mantras Linkup

I am going to continue linking up to this blog linkup as I find it to be in the realm of things that are very appropriate for this blog!  I was linking up through my other blog Coffee Kissed, but I am ending that short lived blog in favor of this, She's Mental, as it is truly where my heart and mind are.  But you should check it out, there are many fun and inspiring things people post, and it is nice to not be so SUPER serious all the time, even though I will probably post a few quotes that may seem serious...lol ♥

The one above is inspirational to me because it actually made me laugh! Yes, I know...but it did.  I think we have to find a sense of humor in our sorrow sometimes!

I do think this of everyone who reads this, and of everyone whom I read....  You make me stronger and that is lovely to me.♥

A Clue?

If I had any clue how to tell someone how to feel better... I would. I wish I could. I mean, even when I am feeling good, I still have the fear of feeling bad in the back of my mind. I still live with the thought that others are suffering. That someone else out there feels bad, feels alone, feels sadness that is over whelming, it literally hurts me! That I can't do anything about it but talk... that I will feel bad and that there will be nothing I can do to get out of it but listen...  to you, and it may or may not make me feel better at the time...that hurts me.

When our bodies fail to do the things we want them to, we suffer.  My body fails to push the serotonin to the correct places in my brain, my mind fails to process things in the right order. But who cares?  Who cares that there are people who suffer in the unending hell of their own thoughts?  

To me, when I am feeling bad, it is like I am caught on that Willy Wonka boat ride through the tunnel on the chocolate river... there are images and words and they do not stop coming for any fear or want of relief.  They don't respond when I am screaming STOP! They keep going and it feels like a night mare.  No one can convince me that I can stop it alone, because there is no way.  I have to wait until the ride comes to an end.  I have to wait for it.  Sometimes it has felt like forever, sometimes it has felt like I can't hold on another second.  Like one more minute and I will drown.... But somehow, at the same time, I haven't.

I know I keep talking about how it feels for me.  But I still don't know that people understand.  If I had a choice, I would not choose to ever feel this way... who would?

We all want to be "happy".  Isn't that like the most basic thing that anyone wants? To me, happiness means being free from these thoughts that can plague my brain.  There are really only a couple of ways that I have found relief.... 1) Taking my medication and seeing a therapist. 2) Realizing that no matter how much anyone else doesn't understand, there is someone who does, and that I am not alone.

I think #2 is the hardest to remember when my brain is in the throws of a living nightmare.  I am NOT alone. We are NOT alone.

I honestly might not be the best one to talk to.... even now when I am feeling better than I have in a long time, even though I still struggle with things everyday, I have to say that I don't think there is a "cure".  You know. I can tell you to think good thoughts, and post things on this blog about finally getting through things, but we don't ever get over mental illness.  It is apart of us, it is the whole of us at times.  I think we have to just say "This is me.  I was born this way.  I live this way.  It is what it is.  I will do what I can with what I have and if it does not satisfy your liking, then there is nothing I can do about that."  I think we have to somehow learn to accept the things we cannot change, and change the things we can...sound familiar....funny, huh?  And I don't think of myself as a religious person, but it is true.

And I want to say.... I accept you. I accept you for who you are at this moment, who you will be tomorrow, and who you might be next year.  If you are sad, I commiserate with you.  If you are happy, I feel happy for you.  God knows, I have felt the entire range of feelings this life has to offer! (And maybe it has made me a better person.) ♥

Merry Christmas ~ From So. Cal.

You know I just had to say Merry Christmas from Southern California!  My last one here for a while.... I will miss it so!  Hope you all have a terrific day and an even better year than you could possibly imagine. ♥

Merry Christmas & Happy New Year!

Off the beaten path, I am sharing something that brings me joy.... Why do they bring me joy?  Who knows, I love pretty things with a handmade flair to them. I think one thing I do love more than anything is finding something that for no reason brings a smile to my face. ~And anything with a bit of country kitsch is good too....  I love these chalkart, hand drawn signs.  I hope you have a great holiday season filled with many things that bring you joy, things that bring a smile to your face just because.  ♥ Thinking of all of you!

Taking it All In, and Getting It All Out

So many things have been on my mind lately.

In this world things are questioned and then when they are answered it seems that many people do not like the answer. Of course this is especially true with mental illness.

Watching TV these past few days I have been confronted on a major level with opinions and satire concerning this. Whether it be from a TV show where someone is calling others "crazy", "demented" and accusing others of having "multiple personality disorders." --for just being a nitwit.  Or people debating criminal negligence as mental illness....  it is being talked about. And I feel like it is being demeaned, and laughed at.

It just makes me wonder, with all we know and all the knowledge we have access to in this world, how people are still so under- and uneducated about mental illness. How so many want to brush mental illness aside as a joke.  To me... it isn't funny.

I have a mental illness....and it is REAL!!!!!

I could NOT function without my medication. It is NOT to hide some feelings I don't want to deal with... I go to therapy for that!  It is NOT to feel all giggly and happy all the time...trust me, I don't.  It is NOT to live in some sort of untouchable bubble where everything is grand and fine...are you kidding me? It is NOT to be someone other than who I am, except for having more serotonin going to the right places of my brain....where it is supposed to be going in the first place.

It IS so I can FUNCTION.  It IS so I am not crying non stop.... without having an explanation for it, for myself or others. It IS so I can be around other people and utter any words without going home and beating myself up for things I might fear as stupid, weird, and dumb.  Rerunning every word over and over and over and over in my head till I am consumed with nothing else.  Thinking about it for days and days and days and days. It IS so I am not obsessed with things that could ever, in the realm of all possibility, happen to me or anyone in my family.  Imagining all the possibilities in life, all the horrors, knowing that something bad is going to happen, knowing I am not good enough, knowing that anything I ever might do would not make me good enough, worrying about that one in a billion chance that that "thing" could go wrong. It IS so my brain can somehow push past that fog and try to have a chance at... being a brain.

My husband and family have affirmed my deepest question of all..... Should I go off medication?

The answer....a RESOUNDING NO!

And to be honest, it does hurt my feelings in a way.  Why can't I just be a functioning adult, who works and cleans and gets out of bed without this medication. But then in a way....Thank God I have been blessed to find some sort of relief from living in a real hell.

And I know those of you out there who have struggled with this know what I am talking about.

I just had to get that out.  lol   And yes, I do feel better now.  ♥

Tell Me How!

How can any of us here disagree with this? How many blogs do I read about struggles to get and keep mental health care?  It is scary.  We, as a nation, would rather arm this world with guns than arm this world with peace of mind.  And I have no idea how to change it..... Please, I want to fight for me, for YOU, tell me how! ♥ you all...

It's Raining and Moving Plans

Yes...it is raining here in San Diego!!  I had almost forgot what a "good" storm was like. But it has made up for it today.  In years past, before I lived in the high desert or here in the micro-climate of San Diego, today would be a wash for me.  I literally went numb on rainy days....maybe because they use to happen in days long spans, it just gets so depressing to me.  But today I find it just, wet.  I have no apparent emotion attached to it. Just kinda weird for me to think about for some reason.  I know there is seasonal depression, and in San Diego and really the desert there aren't many seasons.  Here it is sunny and somewhere near the 70's year round. In the desert it gets way hot and way cold, but there is always sun.  I love the sun.  it just makes me feel like the day is going to go right.

I am moving to Georgia in February.  I am excited, as I will be living near my sister for the first time in a long time, over 20 years... but I am scared of the weather! I hope my body will find it acceptable. I hope that I can deal with the humidity and heat and cold and snow and still feel like my day will go well no matter what.  I am sure I will be fine. I have lived so many places over my husbands career as a Marine that I have experience in every climate!  I will miss San Diego, though.   There is just something about this place that my spirit has melded with and found so perfectly wonderful.  I am in love with it to say the least.

But...new adventure awaits.  And I love a good move!  I love going to a new place and getting the chance to live there, and experience it more than just as a temporary visitor on vacation.  It is a high to me in a way.  I just love it.  I love the possibilities that come with it.  It is such a fresh start.  I hope this is not the last time I will ever move to a new place.

So, now that I am done rambling, I hope today finds you well....♥

Thank You

To all of you "out there".... I do think of you and consider you friends, thank you for all your kind words in happiness and understanding in sadness.♥

I Forgot.... Yikes!!

I think sometimes I might forget, temporarily, how important this blog and all of my friends of you out there are to me... I am deeply sorry!

I forgot for a minute in my state of working bliss that I am STILL bipolar, that I still have suffered with depression, that thoughts will still, with or without warning, overtake who I am and make me think things I don't want to think! That I will never be "cured' of my brain.  That I will have to fight for myself and my ability to be treated for my mental illness. And most importantly that I must still fight the stigma!

Mental illness is LIFE THREATENING!

American Foundation for Suicide Prevention facts--

• Every 13.7 minutes someone in the United States dies by suicide.


• Nearly 1,000,000 people make a suicide attempt every year.


• 90% of people who die by suicide have a diagnosable and treatable psychiatric disorder at the time of their death.

90% have a DIAGNOSABLE AND TREATABLE psychiatric disorder!!

How can this be ignored???

I know this blog is teeneeweenie in the blogishere, but I will stand up for you, I will fight for you, I will not ignore you...

YOU have the right to seek treatment and be understood, and you have the right to feel what you feel and not be shamed into silence or thinking you are alone!

Please...

I'll Take That!

Well how neglectful of this blog have I been lately?  Sorry!  It's just, I have found some purpose!

And when I say "some" purpose, I think I mean that I have found something that occupies my mind and makes me get up and do something.  For me, it's called a job.  Funny how I sat at home for many years and was feeling so blah, so tired of my own mind and then I get a job and the spaces where there use to be room for doubt, strange thoughts and worrying, now is filled with other things.  Funny how I dreaded getting a job because it would involve being around actual people, and those people have made me realize, I like most people!! --Most, not all!

I am not telling you or anyone else out there suffering with thoughts that cripple their lives to go out and get a job and then all your troubles will disappear   Well, because they won't.  They are still here. They are still with me.  But...I think they have less room to bother me so much. They take a back seat to wondering what I need to do next, where I need to be, what I need to be doing and "worries" of that nature. I have to say, for me it has been a terrific revelation!

Yes, it only took 41 years to figure it out!  And I do have small worries about it lasting.  But for now, I am feeling pretty good.  And I'll take that!

Juxtaposition

I find myself in a juxtaposition or more commonly... between a rock and a hard place. Not that I haven't been here before. Just that my mind seems to have shifted from one side of the rock to the other.  Let me explain... life sometimes sucks.  Period.  There are some situations you can not get out of or around.  There are some things that just have no good side. So you have to 1) Adapt and overcome or 2) be prepared to live with it making you miserable. 

Well, I don't want to be miserable anymore!  I am tired of it!  I want to adapt and overcome. I want to see the good instead of the bad. I want to focus on the things I like instead of the things I don't.  I actually WANT to be happy. Me! 

This is NOT how I have normally felt all my life. Not that I wanted to see the bad, but that I couldn't get a focus on the good. I would have told you I didn't like cheery, happy people at one point. I might have said they got on my nerves. Funny!  Now I might actually be one of them. 

Good Lord, what has gotten a hold of me?  I may be turning into one of those "bright side" people!  Uhh!  I might get on my own nerves!

I am nothing else, if not an enigma.  A happy, cheery enigma. Weird.

Friday's Letters

I am linking up with adventuresofnewlyweds.com for Friday's Letters this week!  Yay!  So link up and visit the other linkers and find some great blogs!

Dear Job, I love you for the money you bring my pocketbook and the friends I get to see each day there!  -But Thank God It's Friday!!

Dear San Diego, Are you like the most perfect place to live in the world or what? I have totally fallen in love with you in the past two years you we have lived here! If we ever must leave I will cry like a baby! I love your sunshine, your beaches, your temperatures and your people!

Dear Puppies, I am so happy to have you greet me everyday when I get home from work! I cannot imagine a life without you in it! Love you wigglebutts!

Dear Saturday, Oh, I am so happy you are tomorrow. I will sleep in on you and lounge around with you and love every minute of you till you are over! Thank you for being here like clock work every week!

Dear Lasagna, Thank you for coming in a package and being cook-able with little to no effort from me! You are a life saver tonight!! And we will enjoy you like homemade! 

Dear Daylight Savings Time, Uh, you make me nuts!!  I wish you would disappear and stay away forever. I am going to lose an hour of precious sleep from you and it makes me nuts! OOps!  I'm going to gain an hour!  That's what your brain does when you start working again! But you will make it darker outside way too early and my girl will throw a fit being bored with you messing up her afternoons of fun! Blah!

Dear Blog Friends, You, yes you reading this right now, I hope you have a great weekend and get everything you want to get accomplished done! Love you guys! (Gals!) Have a great night!♥

Hold on to the good days

I'm Beat

Well, I have been working all weekend, including Friday, and I am beat!  But, it feels good.  You know to do something outside of the home and get paid for it and feel like I am doing something a little bit important.  I know...being a stay at home mom is important, but when your kids are almost grown and you have stayed at home for a long time you start to feel a little bit less.  Less important, less needed, less.... So I am finding it nice to feel more for now.  I may change that tune in a few weeks!  We'll see. But that is what I have been up to. Other than my feet killing me...standing for 8 hours a day can do that. I am good!  -And even though my social anxiety is always with me, it has felt good to get out and be around other people! Who knew!! lol ♥    

Yeah...

So, as I stated before I got a new job and I was completely excited about it and ready to work...until now. They are only giving me about 10 hours a week. Yes, that's right, 10.  I am not to happy. They said it would be part time, but this is less than part time. It's 1/4 time!  So...now what?  They told me I can pick up shifts other people don't want or shifts that are extra but I see none to pick up so far. So...I have no idea. I am just  bummed. I hope I can figure out a way to make it work, or it will be back to the job hunt I go.  And this is making my anxiety sky rocket and my depression peak it's ugly little head out where I have been so happy lately. It just gets exhausting looking for a job and the prospect of doing it again so quickly is not a happy thought. But, I will do it...I will do what needs to be done if it kills me...not literally, of course. So cross your fingers for me, say a prayer, send me good thoughts...I greatly appreciate it. ♥

Fun Day at the Farmers Market

We had the best day today at the San Diego Farmers Market.  I love days when I feel good and alive and not worrying.  I will hope for more..but I'll let the pictures do the talking. 

 

My Demons...

NAMI | FDA Pulls Generic Version of Wellbutrin XL 300 mg

NAMI | FDA Pulls Generic Version of Wellbutrin XL 300 mg

Your Journey

Good with the Bad

These things are good: Ice cream and cake, a ride on a harley, seeing monkeys in the trees, the rain on my tongue and the sun shining on my face. These things are a drag: dust in my hair, holes in my shoes, no money in my pocket, and the sun shining on my face." -Rocky Dennis, The Mask 1985

I love this quote...it reminds me that things are more than one dimension.  Even things that make us happy or sad.  It is all perspective.  I am trying to change my perspective on things in my life, and trying to remember that even the happy has sadness somewhere and even sadness has happiness somewhere. If I ever master it, well, I'll be a genius-- more of one than I already am! Ha,ha!! 

But it does remind me of living in the desert, I mean look at this picture I took, it is so beautiful isn't it?  But, it also has 115° weather, and it's in the middle of no where, no getting to a store or movie theater or whatever, for an hour, and wind like hurricane weather frequently.  But if you want that view, you can't get it anywhere else!  

So... I guess we have to learn to take the good with the bad, instead of the good or the bad.

Things that make me Happy in everyday Life

My husband...19 years!

My son, 18!

My daughter, 13!

Thunder, 17!

Bearcat, 12!

 Mickey, 4!

My sweet puppies, Moo and Hank, 7!

Buddhism

My car! It is so fun to drive!

My coffee...Iced...everyday!

Give Me My Med's!!

I hope no one takes offense to this picture, but I found it so funny and so true!  What would I do without my med's?  Actually I don't have to search to hard to know, I have gone without medication before and it seems to start off fine and dwindle into a hot mess. And I mean me crying, me being super irritable, me thinking no one loves me, me questioning why I am even here...etc... Real Hot Mess!!  I honestly am so thankful for medication.  It keeps me feeling "normal".  It keeps my mind from racing and my thoughts from going wacko.  I think that has to be one of the most important reasons I continue to take it every day.  My sanity!  Second reason...the sanity of my family!  It is funny I say this though, as when I have not taken my medication for a while, like weeks, and someone close to me mentions it I freak out and start going on and on about how I don't need them...when I really do!  I just want to be right and not admit they make me a better person!  Lord, our minds are a crazy place to reside sometimes.

I do other things to combat my illness too.  I love writing this blog. I love walking my dogs, shopping at thrift stores, getting coffee at a fun coffee shop.   These things all bring me some amount of peace, if only for a short while.  What else do you do to keep stable and keep feeling good?

Peace...

This is one of my favorite quotes.  Why?  Because it reminds me that I am not happy when I am hiding in my shell, avoiding, denying.  It reminds me that I want to have peace and that I must go out and life life to find it. I think sometimes when I am feeling depressed I tend to want to shy away from things, and people. But I am not happy there. I might feel a bit safe there, but it is not fun.  I am trying to "train" my brain, if you will, to put these kind of quotes and feelings away in storage in my mind for when I am feeling blue. And try to remember the feelings they inspired in me at the time I read them, the truth they speak to me.  I know that at sometime in my life I will feel depressed and anxious again.  That is just life, but I hope to be able to rely on looking back at days like today when I am feeling good...and remember the good days will come again.  Remember that avoiding things will only keep the good days at bay longer and nudge myself into "living" so the good feelings come again, sooner. ♥

Be Kind to Yourself

Sun and Therapy

I had another visit with the therapist today.   I actually looked forward to it.  I think it has reminded me how nice it is to talk to someone else sometimes!  Weird huh?  It is just nice to have a conversation about life with other than the people you are living it with. I think that is why I like to blog too.  It gives me the chance to just be me and tell you how I am feeling and what I am going through. Then I get feedback and an objective point of view. Nice.

The weather is so perfect today.  My car temp says it is 77° and the sky is sunny and beautiful. I laid out on the trampoline with my dogs for a bit and just soaked in the warmth and good vibes. The weather was something else I talked about with my therapist today.  I told her I think I will miss the weather here in San Diego so much when we move next year.  I told her I dread how much I will miss it. But she reminded me to look for the positive...if it's snowing, it can still be sunny out, etc.  We'll see. I just love having the sunshine to look forward to each day.  It makes it so much easier to get out of bed and get going for the day.  I talk about it all the time, so I guess it has really made a difference in my life!!  I hope you all are having a great day.  Your lives really do inspire me in so many ways I could never fully convey.

Is there anything you look forward to each day? Or maybe each season? ♥

Mental Illness Awareness Week Oct.7-13, 2012

The Battle...

It seems from reading a number of blogs lately that people are either winning or losing their battles right now. No one really seems to drift in the middle much.  I have been on both sides of the coin.  Today, I feel good.  I feel like smiling, I feel like talking. (Even though I have no one to talk to in person apart from my immediate family.) I am in a mood where I feel free of burdening thoughts, and it is weird!!  I went to the psychiatrist today and he upped my lithium. I have been having headaches the past few days and he seems to think I need more lithium.  We'll see. I have to go get my blood tested for lithium levels in 3 weeks and then go back to him so he can see what range it is in, and adjust it accordingly. Let's hope it is normal.  I haven't felt this free of anxiety in a long time. Imagine that!  Me the worrier!  --Just kinda weird. I hope it lasts. I am thinking I am going to really keep saying the verse in this picture to myself.  Keep going.  Have courage.  Even when times are tough...even when it feels almost impossible, as it has in the past....here I am now, feeling good.  It does come...wait for it, push for it, KEEP GOING!!♥

***Thinking About It...

Thanks to all of you who commented on the Roots post.  It is still on my mind.  I guess none of us really has an answer for close relationship building huh?  I wonder if we all met in person if it would be as easy to converse then as it is here in the cyber world?  Funny huh.  How through your blogs I feel like I get to know each of you. I asked my therapist if she considered online friends, real friends.  She actually said yes, but to a point.  Obviously I couldn't call on anyone here to go to coffee, or pick up my daughter from school when I am running late.  But I do feel as if I am getting to know everyone and it is a comfort.  I am thinking....***thinking*** of reaching out of my comfort zone and trying to develop a friendship, so to speak. But to be honest it scares me to death!  On the other hand I have always seemed to find out that when I tackle my biggest fears, I am always happy I did.  But like I said I am still thinking about it.  Feels as if I am proposing to go bungee jumping or something nuts.  But that's how it feels. The only thing holding me back is I know I will be moving soon, in February probably, and it makes my mind say "Not now."  "It would only disappoint the other person and yourself." So I guess I am trying to figure out if that makes sense or not and if it matters or not. That "intuition" thing in my brain doesn't always work....so we'll see.

Hope you all have a great day!♥

Roots

Thinking on my appointment with my therapist last week, something she said keeps playing over and over in my head.  I told her I love to move. I love moving new places and seeing new people...notice I said seeing and not meeting....and learning new things.  And she proceeded to say "That is not really natural, people want to put down roots and connect with people.  I think you are missing out on something important in life."

Hum?  Why does this keep playing and playing through my mind? Why is it not natural to love to move?  It is for me. I honestly LOVE it.  You can remake yourself, you can start anew, and who doesn't like a fresh start?  I am sure what she meant by all of it was that people don't like to move because they have to uproot their relationships with people. They feel the pain of moving because they don't have certain people around them anymore.  I know that is probably how it is for many of you, but...not so much for me. I have no one important to hold onto, so it is easy to go.  But lately I have been thinking about the "big picture" of life.  Where is mine going to take me and with whom?  My family, my husband and children are with me now. But what about after the kids are gone? It will be me and my husband.  Will I drive him absolutely nuts?  He makes friends easily and has them when we move and keeps in contact with some.  I don't.  Maybe I do this to protect myself from hurt?  Maybe I do it because it seems like so much work trying to differentiate between what is the right amount of time to spend with a friend or not.  She also told me that for most people, relationships come naturally.  But to me...they don't.

I don't know where this post is leading me.  I guess I am just exploring the thoughts of making roots and developing relationships with people, and why I don't.  Maybe because growing up I always felt like the third wheel in a friendship of 3.  Or maybe I just don't want to have pain when I move. I don't want to have the pain of saying goodbye to people.  Yet at the same time I feel connected to the "place."  I don't know. I feel like I am sounding like a bad self help book all the sudden.  But, I wish I did know...and even though I might not always want to admit it, I wish I had a friend sometimes. I guess you just get use to being alone.  And then you start to feel safe there and then it becomes uncomfortable to move in any other direction.  So....any suggestions?

Secret No More -- I Got A Job

So, I hadn't mentioned it because maybe I thought I wouldn't stick to it, but I have. I got a job. I started today.  It is only part time at a retail store doing merchandising, but yeah...I am working now.  Funny how I usually try and avoid people, but when I work I always seem to do really great and end up being a really good employee. (Not that I am bragging, just an odd way of my mind working.)  My therapist said all my employers love me most likely because I am so OCD about everything. I am on time, I never call in sick, I do my job and the job of others who aren't keeping up, and I am organized and neat and just good. lol  Makes me laugh because you might think just by reading my blog that I would be cranky, late, disorganized and annoyed by other employees! But, at least I am really good at something in life.  Even if it is a job that many consider unimportant and low paying. What can I say. I am looking forward to getting a paycheck again and today I actually conversed easily with the other people there for training...  No matter how awkward I really felt.  So, I guess it is a good thing.  Yeah.

Therapist

I was expecting someone different in my mind, from who my therapist turned out to be. But...It wasn't a bad thing.  "Why are you here?" ---Uh, well....where do you want me to start?  It is hard to try and encompass your entire life's struggles into a 45 min 1st session.  After I left I was thinking of a million things I forgot to say. But all in all, I would say it went ok.  I was told I am too hard on myself...yeah, I knew that.  But she gave me some things to think about and focus on.  So we'll see...

On a side subject she talked about how humans are naturally social beings. And how friends can play such important roles in our lives.  I, of course, talked about not having any "friends" and how it seems so complicated to me. Like when do you call?  Do you have to call everyday? Do you have to see them all the time?  I mean things that for others seem to be intuition, to me are not so easily manifested.  I like my privacy. I like to be alone.  I do miss having people to call or talk to on occasion, but, you know, I am used to it.  I guess the point is for me to get out of my comfort zone....but...I don't know. We'll see.        

I also realized how I am SO like my mother.  In SO many ways, that are just funny and weird. And at the same time SO not like her...or my dad.  But I guess we all take on some attributes of the people we grew up around. And I realized some of those things I might have criticized her for are some of the same things I do myself. Uh!  Don't you hate it when that happens!!

I don't know. I am going to continue seeing her at least twice a month.  She also runs an anxiety group she said I might be interested in but, we'll see.  It was nice to talk to someone though, who had no judgement. Just ideas and recommendations.♥

Enough...

Uh....the dreaded headache.... the one I was hoping to avoid.  I seem to get one every time I have started a new medication or stopped an old one. My head has pretty much hurt non stop since 3am.  All I can take is Tylenol....Which does absolutely nothing for it!!  The medication interaction calculators all say not to take Motrin or aspirin with lithium!  I am going to the therapist tomorrow, thought it was Wed but it is Tuesday....so I will ask then what to do if I can't take those.  Ugh.  Not fun. On the flip side I am feeling better than I had been last week...mentally I mean.  So I hope that continues.

I hope I like my therapist tomorrow.  Once again, as with going to new doctors, I must reexplain my whole life.  But I like getting new opinions on it.  I once thought of being a therapist, picking people's brains. Getting to hear their inner most thoughts, seeing their perspective on their world.  I think it would be a neat job.  Anyhow, I'll report back tomorrow with how the appointment goes.

I read a story/poem today that made me realize something, so I will share it now.  It made me realize that we don't need "all" or "only" happiness.  That we just need "enough."

I Wish You Enough

Recently at an airport, I overheard a father and daughter in their last moments together. They had announced her departure and standing near the security gate, they hugged and he said, “I love you, I wish you enough.”She in turn said, “Daddy, our life together has been more than enough. Your love is all I ever needed, I wish you enough too, Daddy.” They kissed and she left.

He walked over toward the window where I was seated. Standing there, I could see he wanted and needed to cry. I tried not to intrude on his privacy, but he welcomed me in by asking, “Did you ever say good-bye to someone knowing it would be forever?”

“Yes, I have,” I replied, “forgive me for asking, but why is this a forever good-bye?” I asked.

“I am old and she lives much too far away. I have challenges ahead and the reality is, the next trip back would be for my funeral,” he said.

“When you were saying good-bye I heard you say, ‘I wish you enough’, may I ask what that means?”

He began to smile. “That’s a wish that has been handed down from other generations. My parents used to say it to everyone.” He paused for a moment and looking up as if trying to remember it in detail, he smiled ever more. “When we said, ‘I wish you enough,’ we were wanting the other person to have a life filled with just enough good things to sustain them,” he continued and then turning toward me he shared the following as if he were reciting it from memory.

I wish you enough sun to keep your attitude bright.
I wish you enough rain to appreciate the sun more.
I wish you enough happiness to keep your spirit alive.
I wish you enough pain so that the smallest joys in life appear much bigger.
I wish you enough gain to satisfy your wanting.
I wish you enough loss to appreciate all that you possess.
I wish you enough “Hello’s” to get you through the final “Good-bye.”

Tears filled his eyes and he walked away.

And so,

I wish you enough.

(author unknown)

Med's, Today

Let's see. I have been taking the lithium and bu-spar for the past 2 days now... and my normal clomipramine (Anafranil).  And so I am feeling a bit better, I think. Although, when I take the bu-spar, as needed for anxiety, I get really sleepy, really quick.  Actually, I haven't taken one today. My anxiety has been lower the past few days so I didn't need one. I know some would say I should not be able to tell a difference yet, but I feel like I do.  So, so far so good I would say.  I have an appointment with a therapist on Wed. So we will see how that goes.

Today we went to Mission Bay and took the dogs to the beach.  They had a great time.  It is a small island and has specific dog beaches on it and there are always bunches of people with their dogs.  I love seeing all the different breeds of dogs. All off their leashes. Chasing balls, playing in the water, greeting the other dogs. It is fun.

I have a friend or two who think San Diego was a bad place to live. But I have to totally disagree. I love it. There is everything to do here from Sea World, to Belmont park, tons of beach, tons of dog parks, landscaping like no ones business, one of the best looking citys I have ever lived in, all nationalities, all religions, colleges, and last but certainly not least...the best weather you could ever ask for! Sunshine, mid to upper 70 degrees almost year round!  I will miss it so much when we leave. So much!!  I have fallen in love with a place. Funny, huh? I do not talk of people I might miss, only the place itself. ♥

Research! ...and anxiety!

I have been researching Bipolar II,since the official diagnosis yesterday, and found some pretty interesting things that I had never seen before and that make HUGE sense to me.  This is one web page I found and the OCD link just struck me like a lightning bolt.  I will be interested to see how it might play out in the long run for my diagnosis.  

http://www.psycheducation.org/depression/Anxiety.htm

OCD has a complex relationship with bipolar disorder.  I'm certain I've seen some patients start out looking like they have classic OCD and end up looking like they have definite bipolar disorder without OCD.  These two conditions might be part of the same thing somehow, at least in some people.  At least we know they are found together very often, much more so that one would expect.  In one study, 20% of people with bipolar disorder had OCD, twice the number seen in unipolar depression (which is also higher than people with no diagnosis).^Chen
A group of researchers has looked at how OCD and bipolar relate.  They found that whereas unipolar depression was "incidental", i.e. not clearly related to the OCD (although common), by contrast bipolar disorder seemed to be more directly related to the OCD.  For example, people with religious and sexual obsessions as part of their OCD were more likely than those with other obsessions to have bipolar disorder.  The authors specifically recommend that bipolar disorder take precedence over the OCD in terms of which is treated first.^Perugi

Anyhow, I just took the fist litium and am waiting to see if it causes any side effects or not. So we'll see. ♥

The Answer?... Dr. News

Well, today was my much awaited appointment with my new psychiatrist. Maybe something will change for the better this time. He diagnosed me as bipolar II, which I have long suspected. And added that to the list of  Anxiety, and OCD. So, my meds were added onto.  Kind of embarrassing for me to say but, I will now be taking lithium carbonate and then bu-spar as needed and still the Anafranil.  A whole host of fun medication!  But maybe it will help.  I will start it tomorrow afternoon as the pharmacist had to order it.

He is a kind man, maybe from India?  He seemed to listen and take into account all I was saying. Which was nice, but at the same time, I wonder about him.  Was he really interested?  Did he really hear everything I was saying?  I don't know. He said I seemed like an intelligent person, so who knows. Just glad it is over. Now I am just a bit scared to start the meds, I hope there are no weird side effects I encounter. I hope it helps.  I go back in 2 weeks. And he recommended I start therapy again.   Which, they always recommend!  So nothing new there!  So...that was my day.

I am still anxious and uneasy from yesterday. But hopefully in a few days I will feel better. We'll see. ♥

360°

Sometimes life throws you a curve ball and things, well they are overwhelming me. I am going to become paranoid I think. I only say this as I am feeling like I did after having my second child and having postpartum. Except, I am not postpartum.   It is a heavy feeling. It is scary and I feel alone. Yes, you, you all are out there, some feeling the same way, but it is lonely none the less. I pray that things turn around for the better and the doctor tomorrow can some how bring me some peace of mind.  Even though I feel bad for praying as I don't seem to thank him enough and ask for things in time of need.  I'm sure the doctor will give me a pill... I almost feel as it will be a placebo for life.  Comfort in a pill.  Is it really comfort? Does it matter?  I was joking earlier today and now I just am yuck.  I wish I had a xanax right now. As much as I don't know if I like taking them, I like taking them when I feel this way.  Having a drink instead.  Yes, I know it is not the best solution, but it helps, for now.  Sorry to be so incredibly down, and depressing. :(

Let's Hope for # 2!

Oh boy.  How fun. My new doctor appointment tomorrow.  Let me arrive 15 minutes early to fill out 10 pages on why I am there, and what I am experiencing and what I have ever experienced and all the medication I have ever taken... Is 10 pages enough?  I SO look forward to it.  But, I guess it is what it is.  I hope I like my doctor. Unlike previous attempts at choosing a doctor I did this "blind." I did not look up his picture or reviews on the internet. We'll see if this works for me or not. Although I must say I have been to about any and all range of doctors you could probably see. Women, Men, young, very young, old, very old and in between, all races, shapes and colors.  Oh, how I make myself laugh sometimes!


Anyways, I will be happy to let everyone know how it goes tomorrow afternoon.  I am expecting one of two things to happen, because in my experience so far, they have... 1) I will have a doctor who comes off as extremely higher than thou, who does not like me spewing any of my knowledge about my illness and who thinks they have the best plan for me, is totally uninterested, while trying to appear interested, in anything I say and who sends me out the door in a matter of minutes or 2) A doctor who is interested likes hearing about what I have found out through the years and believes we can work together to find a course of treatment we are both happy with.  Let's hope for #2 shall we!  If it is #1 I am tempted to say "You know I can tell this is not going to work as I find you uninterested and preoccupied. I think I will find someone else." ---Ha, ha, ha...In my dreams I would say that!!  But we shall see.

Wish me luck!!

I Find This Funny! ♥

Hope everyone has had at least a smile today!♥