Merry Christmas ~ From So. Cal.

You know I just had to say Merry Christmas from Southern California!  My last one here for a while.... I will miss it so!  Hope you all have a terrific day and an even better year than you could possibly imagine. ♥

Merry Christmas & Happy New Year!

Off the beaten path, I am sharing something that brings me joy.... Why do they bring me joy?  Who knows, I love pretty things with a handmade flair to them. I think one thing I do love more than anything is finding something that for no reason brings a smile to my face. ~And anything with a bit of country kitsch is good too....  I love these chalkart, hand drawn signs.  I hope you have a great holiday season filled with many things that bring you joy, things that bring a smile to your face just because.  ♥ Thinking of all of you!

Taking it All In, and Getting It All Out

So many things have been on my mind lately.

In this world things are questioned and then when they are answered it seems that many people do not like the answer. Of course this is especially true with mental illness.

Watching TV these past few days I have been confronted on a major level with opinions and satire concerning this. Whether it be from a TV show where someone is calling others "crazy", "demented" and accusing others of having "multiple personality disorders." --for just being a nitwit.  Or people debating criminal negligence as mental illness....  it is being talked about. And I feel like it is being demeaned, and laughed at.

It just makes me wonder, with all we know and all the knowledge we have access to in this world, how people are still so under- and uneducated about mental illness. How so many want to brush mental illness aside as a joke.  To me... it isn't funny.

I have a mental illness....and it is REAL!!!!!

I could NOT function without my medication. It is NOT to hide some feelings I don't want to deal with... I go to therapy for that!  It is NOT to feel all giggly and happy all the time...trust me, I don't.  It is NOT to live in some sort of untouchable bubble where everything is grand and fine...are you kidding me? It is NOT to be someone other than who I am, except for having more serotonin going to the right places of my brain....where it is supposed to be going in the first place.

It IS so I can FUNCTION.  It IS so I am not crying non stop.... without having an explanation for it, for myself or others. It IS so I can be around other people and utter any words without going home and beating myself up for things I might fear as stupid, weird, and dumb.  Rerunning every word over and over and over and over in my head till I am consumed with nothing else.  Thinking about it for days and days and days and days. It IS so I am not obsessed with things that could ever, in the realm of all possibility, happen to me or anyone in my family.  Imagining all the possibilities in life, all the horrors, knowing that something bad is going to happen, knowing I am not good enough, knowing that anything I ever might do would not make me good enough, worrying about that one in a billion chance that that "thing" could go wrong. It IS so my brain can somehow push past that fog and try to have a chance at... being a brain.

My husband and family have affirmed my deepest question of all..... Should I go off medication?

The answer....a RESOUNDING NO!

And to be honest, it does hurt my feelings in a way.  Why can't I just be a functioning adult, who works and cleans and gets out of bed without this medication. But then in a way....Thank God I have been blessed to find some sort of relief from living in a real hell.

And I know those of you out there who have struggled with this know what I am talking about.

I just had to get that out.  lol   And yes, I do feel better now.  ♥

Tell Me How!

How can any of us here disagree with this? How many blogs do I read about struggles to get and keep mental health care?  It is scary.  We, as a nation, would rather arm this world with guns than arm this world with peace of mind.  And I have no idea how to change it..... Please, I want to fight for me, for YOU, tell me how! ♥ you all...

It's Raining and Moving Plans

Yes...it is raining here in San Diego!!  I had almost forgot what a "good" storm was like. But it has made up for it today.  In years past, before I lived in the high desert or here in the micro-climate of San Diego, today would be a wash for me.  I literally went numb on rainy days....maybe because they use to happen in days long spans, it just gets so depressing to me.  But today I find it just, wet.  I have no apparent emotion attached to it. Just kinda weird for me to think about for some reason.  I know there is seasonal depression, and in San Diego and really the desert there aren't many seasons.  Here it is sunny and somewhere near the 70's year round. In the desert it gets way hot and way cold, but there is always sun.  I love the sun.  it just makes me feel like the day is going to go right.

I am moving to Georgia in February.  I am excited, as I will be living near my sister for the first time in a long time, over 20 years... but I am scared of the weather! I hope my body will find it acceptable. I hope that I can deal with the humidity and heat and cold and snow and still feel like my day will go well no matter what.  I am sure I will be fine. I have lived so many places over my husbands career as a Marine that I have experience in every climate!  I will miss San Diego, though.   There is just something about this place that my spirit has melded with and found so perfectly wonderful.  I am in love with it to say the least.

But...new adventure awaits.  And I love a good move!  I love going to a new place and getting the chance to live there, and experience it more than just as a temporary visitor on vacation.  It is a high to me in a way.  I just love it.  I love the possibilities that come with it.  It is such a fresh start.  I hope this is not the last time I will ever move to a new place.

So, now that I am done rambling, I hope today finds you well....♥

Thank You

To all of you "out there".... I do think of you and consider you friends, thank you for all your kind words in happiness and understanding in sadness.♥

I Forgot.... Yikes!!

I think sometimes I might forget, temporarily, how important this blog and all of my friends of you out there are to me... I am deeply sorry!

I forgot for a minute in my state of working bliss that I am STILL bipolar, that I still have suffered with depression, that thoughts will still, with or without warning, overtake who I am and make me think things I don't want to think! That I will never be "cured' of my brain.  That I will have to fight for myself and my ability to be treated for my mental illness. And most importantly that I must still fight the stigma!

Mental illness is LIFE THREATENING!

American Foundation for Suicide Prevention facts--

• Every 13.7 minutes someone in the United States dies by suicide.


• Nearly 1,000,000 people make a suicide attempt every year.


• 90% of people who die by suicide have a diagnosable and treatable psychiatric disorder at the time of their death.

90% have a DIAGNOSABLE AND TREATABLE psychiatric disorder!!

How can this be ignored???

I know this blog is teeneeweenie in the blogishere, but I will stand up for you, I will fight for you, I will not ignore you...

YOU have the right to seek treatment and be understood, and you have the right to feel what you feel and not be shamed into silence or thinking you are alone!

Please...

I'll Take That!

Well how neglectful of this blog have I been lately?  Sorry!  It's just, I have found some purpose!

And when I say "some" purpose, I think I mean that I have found something that occupies my mind and makes me get up and do something.  For me, it's called a job.  Funny how I sat at home for many years and was feeling so blah, so tired of my own mind and then I get a job and the spaces where there use to be room for doubt, strange thoughts and worrying, now is filled with other things.  Funny how I dreaded getting a job because it would involve being around actual people, and those people have made me realize, I like most people!! --Most, not all!

I am not telling you or anyone else out there suffering with thoughts that cripple their lives to go out and get a job and then all your troubles will disappear   Well, because they won't.  They are still here. They are still with me.  But...I think they have less room to bother me so much. They take a back seat to wondering what I need to do next, where I need to be, what I need to be doing and "worries" of that nature. I have to say, for me it has been a terrific revelation!

Yes, it only took 41 years to figure it out!  And I do have small worries about it lasting.  But for now, I am feeling pretty good.  And I'll take that!

Juxtaposition

I find myself in a juxtaposition or more commonly... between a rock and a hard place. Not that I haven't been here before. Just that my mind seems to have shifted from one side of the rock to the other.  Let me explain... life sometimes sucks.  Period.  There are some situations you can not get out of or around.  There are some things that just have no good side. So you have to 1) Adapt and overcome or 2) be prepared to live with it making you miserable. 

Well, I don't want to be miserable anymore!  I am tired of it!  I want to adapt and overcome. I want to see the good instead of the bad. I want to focus on the things I like instead of the things I don't.  I actually WANT to be happy. Me! 

This is NOT how I have normally felt all my life. Not that I wanted to see the bad, but that I couldn't get a focus on the good. I would have told you I didn't like cheery, happy people at one point. I might have said they got on my nerves. Funny!  Now I might actually be one of them. 

Good Lord, what has gotten a hold of me?  I may be turning into one of those "bright side" people!  Uhh!  I might get on my own nerves!

I am nothing else, if not an enigma.  A happy, cheery enigma. Weird.

Friday's Letters

I am linking up with adventuresofnewlyweds.com for Friday's Letters this week!  Yay!  So link up and visit the other linkers and find some great blogs!

Dear Job, I love you for the money you bring my pocketbook and the friends I get to see each day there!  -But Thank God It's Friday!!

Dear San Diego, Are you like the most perfect place to live in the world or what? I have totally fallen in love with you in the past two years you we have lived here! If we ever must leave I will cry like a baby! I love your sunshine, your beaches, your temperatures and your people!

Dear Puppies, I am so happy to have you greet me everyday when I get home from work! I cannot imagine a life without you in it! Love you wigglebutts!

Dear Saturday, Oh, I am so happy you are tomorrow. I will sleep in on you and lounge around with you and love every minute of you till you are over! Thank you for being here like clock work every week!

Dear Lasagna, Thank you for coming in a package and being cook-able with little to no effort from me! You are a life saver tonight!! And we will enjoy you like homemade! 

Dear Daylight Savings Time, Uh, you make me nuts!!  I wish you would disappear and stay away forever. I am going to lose an hour of precious sleep from you and it makes me nuts! OOps!  I'm going to gain an hour!  That's what your brain does when you start working again! But you will make it darker outside way too early and my girl will throw a fit being bored with you messing up her afternoons of fun! Blah!

Dear Blog Friends, You, yes you reading this right now, I hope you have a great weekend and get everything you want to get accomplished done! Love you guys! (Gals!) Have a great night!♥

Hold on to the good days

I'm Beat

Well, I have been working all weekend, including Friday, and I am beat!  But, it feels good.  You know to do something outside of the home and get paid for it and feel like I am doing something a little bit important.  I know...being a stay at home mom is important, but when your kids are almost grown and you have stayed at home for a long time you start to feel a little bit less.  Less important, less needed, less.... So I am finding it nice to feel more for now.  I may change that tune in a few weeks!  We'll see. But that is what I have been up to. Other than my feet killing me...standing for 8 hours a day can do that. I am good!  -And even though my social anxiety is always with me, it has felt good to get out and be around other people! Who knew!! lol ♥    

Yeah...

So, as I stated before I got a new job and I was completely excited about it and ready to work...until now. They are only giving me about 10 hours a week. Yes, that's right, 10.  I am not to happy. They said it would be part time, but this is less than part time. It's 1/4 time!  So...now what?  They told me I can pick up shifts other people don't want or shifts that are extra but I see none to pick up so far. So...I have no idea. I am just  bummed. I hope I can figure out a way to make it work, or it will be back to the job hunt I go.  And this is making my anxiety sky rocket and my depression peak it's ugly little head out where I have been so happy lately. It just gets exhausting looking for a job and the prospect of doing it again so quickly is not a happy thought. But, I will do it...I will do what needs to be done if it kills me...not literally, of course. So cross your fingers for me, say a prayer, send me good thoughts...I greatly appreciate it. ♥

Fun Day at the Farmers Market

We had the best day today at the San Diego Farmers Market.  I love days when I feel good and alive and not worrying.  I will hope for more..but I'll let the pictures do the talking. 

 

My Demons...

NAMI | FDA Pulls Generic Version of Wellbutrin XL 300 mg

NAMI | FDA Pulls Generic Version of Wellbutrin XL 300 mg

Your Journey

Good with the Bad

These things are good: Ice cream and cake, a ride on a harley, seeing monkeys in the trees, the rain on my tongue and the sun shining on my face. These things are a drag: dust in my hair, holes in my shoes, no money in my pocket, and the sun shining on my face." -Rocky Dennis, The Mask 1985

I love this quote...it reminds me that things are more than one dimension.  Even things that make us happy or sad.  It is all perspective.  I am trying to change my perspective on things in my life, and trying to remember that even the happy has sadness somewhere and even sadness has happiness somewhere. If I ever master it, well, I'll be a genius-- more of one than I already am! Ha,ha!! 

But it does remind me of living in the desert, I mean look at this picture I took, it is so beautiful isn't it?  But, it also has 115° weather, and it's in the middle of no where, no getting to a store or movie theater or whatever, for an hour, and wind like hurricane weather frequently.  But if you want that view, you can't get it anywhere else!  

So... I guess we have to learn to take the good with the bad, instead of the good or the bad.

Things that make me Happy in everyday Life

My husband...19 years!

My son, 18!

My daughter, 13!

Thunder, 17!

Bearcat, 12!

 Mickey, 4!

My sweet puppies, Moo and Hank, 7!

Buddhism

My car! It is so fun to drive!

My coffee...Iced...everyday!