National Suicide Awareness Day

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New Doctor On the Agenda

Well, I finally got an appointment at a new psychiatrist office...even though it is almost 2 weeks away. But I am happy and not about it.  I hate going to a new doctor and having to fill out 5 million pages of questions on how I am feeling. And when questions say "Do you feel hopeless?"--does it mean right that second? On meds? Off meds?  I just hate it. But I guess that is what has to be done. I will be interested to see what this doctor's take on me is. I have moved so much throughout my life that I have seen plenty of different doctors. Some agreeing with previous diagnosis and some coming up with their own. So it should be interesting.

Fortunately the high anxiety I had been feeling earlier this week seems to have stopped today, if not only momentary, it has been nice. I hope it continues.

I am trying to focus on positive things, even though I don't always feel like it... ha, ha, ha....so I will end today  with this quote:

Today... the Positive

Today I am going to write sort of a positive affirmation post. Well, things I think about myself besides the negative things.... and try to focus on them. I'll focus on 10...

1. I am compassionate. I take everything to heart and try to make peoples worlds better if only for a minute.
2. I am zany.  Maybe I am manic, but I can be funny and make people laugh...at least my kids and husband.
3. I am generous.  If someone needs something and I have it, I will give it to them.
4. I make good spaghetti. Everyone always loves it and wants more. :)
5. I am a good mom. I try everyday to make my kids feel extra loved and give them whatever I can.
6. I am unique...I have never met anyone identical to the person I am. And I like it that way.
7. I am curious. I like leaning new things about the world around me and the people around me.
8. I am tactful.  I would never try to make someone feel embarrassed or say anything hurtful, especially in front of others.
9. I am independent.  Even though it is sometimes nice to have others around, I can pretty much accomplish anything I set my mind to by myself.
10. I am tolerant. I like people to have their own ideas and express them. And I like to reflect upon them.

Whew...why is it so hard to make a list of things I like about myself and so easy to talk about the things I don't?  What do you like about yourself?

It's a horrible feeling!

My anxiety is really UP there this week. I am a ball of nerves. I hate it. I try to do things to escape it, walk the dogs, clean, anything, but somehow it finds me!  Stress!  I hate feeling like I might have a heart attack at any moment...maybe I am having one now and don't know it... maybe I will have one if I don't stop stressing! The "Maybe's" are following me very close. I hate it. I think I am going to have to make an appointment so I can discuss what I need to do or take, like the Xanax, so I can stop feeling this way.  It's like I am being stalked by anxiety.  I can't shake it. It is a horrible feeling. Whew...

Just as an add on..Of course I can't get an appt for almost 2 weeks!!!  Ugh!

I Hope Today is Yesterday's Tomorrow

No Xanax!?!?!?!

Well, I stopped taking Xanax about a month ago. I was only taking one a day, 1mg., and decided I could live without it.  Now I am questioning that decision!!  I had a horrible weekend of anxiety and crying and now this morning, I am feeling better, but my heart rate is up, 117, and I am shaky and anxious!  I just took the dogs for a walk to try and release some of the adrenaline, and it helped a bit, but I still feel anxious. I know many people do not like to take a medication that can become addicting,  and that is part of the reason I stopped taking it, as I had taken up to 5 pills a day at one time, but now I SO wish I had one. Uh.  I hate feeling this way.  I have yet again, looked up the steps to helping yourself get over a panic attack and the only one that really helps is exercise...or getting busy doing something else.  My house is spotless right now from this weekend! How do you cope when you are overly anxious or in a panic?

Cry

Sometimes you have to cry it out. That is about what my day was like. That is about all.

My Brain!

Always...

Pizza for Dinner

It's something people do everyday, right? Does this act make me normal today?  Because I do something everyone else does? People get sad everyday, they cry everyday, they shy away from people everyday, but... those things are not considered so normal. Why?  If we are not alone, why are we not "normal"?  Or are we?

166 days and counting down...

Yep...my husband retires from the Marine Corps in 166 days!  My, how 20 years has all of a sudden flown by.  They say time speeds up the older you get and I have to agree.  We will be on to the next chapter of our lives.  And it is weird, and scary, and exciting, and unnerving, and everything rolled up into one.

I mean, I have never been a "married" person outside of a military life. I am use to going long times with my husband gone. I am use to living on base. I am use to being surround by military people. People going through the same things as me, people my age, people with similar life plans, so to speak.

I almost feel as if we will be floating for a while.  Out on an open sea, trying to direct our sails but having only ever taken a beginning sailing course.  Scary!!

I do love to move though.  I grew up hating the place I lived so much and always wanted to move. And, I have done that.  I love settling into a new home. Decorating, arranging, being busy with "life."  It brings me a high of sorts. Will this be one of the last times I move?  At least I can paint the walls and "remodel" as I wish.

I know the next 6 months are going to be over before I can blink an eye. And I will miss the military life, I will. As much as I have loathed it at times, I will miss it. It has been a good ride...

Complacency

I think I have become good at just "being". That line of complacency that feels so good and comforting sometimes. No challenges, no excuses having to be made, no real feelings having to be felt...just "being."  I know some wish for a place like that.  Even I get to where I wish for a place like that, but when it sets it, it can be... unsettling. I seem to be either UP or down.  HIGH or low.  But then, once in a while I get settled in. Complacency...  comforting, but not.  Feeling, but not. Accepting... allowing, lulling into a sleep of the mind. But nothing productive happens. It's almost a trap. It's almost being alive.  It's almost being nothing at all.

If only I understood the many faucets of my mind...

It's Not Who You Are...

Movie Theater Anxiety

I went with my family to see The Dark Knight Rises today. I was a bit nervous, especially in the confines of the theater....all I could think about was the latest tragedy where the 12 people were killed in Colorado.  I had a mini panic attack.  I don't think I would have stayed if it wasn't for my husband being there. I literally held his hand the entire movie. I hated feeling that way.

I hate that someone can go out into our world and scare everyone with a random act of violence.  I posted about it on facebook and got the reply I expected...that I shouldn't let anyone dictate my freedom of choice to go and do what I want with their random acts of violence. But...we know that is not how my mind works!  I was more and more comfortable as the movie went on. But I think I will have a bit of anxiety going into any movie for a bit in the future.  But I did go....I did watch the entire movie, and I came out ok. I guess that is the point...doing things anyways.  I mean I could easily become a hermit if I let everything bad that "could" happen dictate my daily life.   But...I didn't!

This Says it All

Feelings Have to Have a Reason?

Why is it I question when I am sad for no reason?  I mean I feel other emotions just as much if not more than sadness but it seems to be one of the only feelings I question.  If I am having a good day for no reason, I never seem to question it. When I am talkative, I just talk. Of if I am in a silly mood, I just act crazy...but sadness, it is always an emotion I question.

Is this because I have been diagnosed as being depressed before?  And why are we diagnosed as being unhappy but never..."She's happy!", as a diagnosis.  Can't we feel all the range of emotions without someone having to diagnose us?  Or is it that sadness is considered out of the norm?  Are we all supposed to be a certain way...a "normal" way?  Or could sadness be a way?

I don't know...here I go with all my philosophical questions that never seem to be accompanied by any answers! If I only had a few answers to all the things I question in this life...wow! Do you ever question other moods you have, other than sadness?

Where I Have Been

I have talked about how I went to a very strict church and how the fire and brimstone sermons affected me.  How it made me feel tremendous guilt for anything that was "wrong" in the eyes of God.  And how everything turned into something that felt wrong, felt like a sin. Everyday required many confessions of sins and confessions of thoughts of sins.  I guess what I haven't talked about is my turning away from it all... with alcohol as an older teen, younger adult.  I hated church and the way it made me feel so much I walked away from it all and decided not to look back.  I thought how can God be so loving but want to send us to hell for every little thing we might do wrong? And if all sins are the same, I might as well SIN it up...cause there would be no saving me from that point on...

At 18 I moved out and into a small apartment with two other friends, and I dove into sinning! I drank a fifth of liquor by myself almost every night. I partied, I tried to smoke...never caught on thank goodness!  It made the world so much easier to deal with. It made me a funner person!  I talked to people I would have never talked to, I went to parties, I made people laugh! People liked me!! Me!  They acted as if I belonged in their group! They wanted me around. Life was SO good! It was so much fun!  It was!  Even as much as it became a burden, when it first started it was about the best I have ever felt.

And then it wasn't...I couldn't drink enough. It took more and more to get me drunk.  I could drink a guy twice my size under the table.  I would have blackouts. People would relate stories to me of things I had done the night before, and I had no memory of them. It was horrible. I walked into a strangers apartment and lay down on the couch and went to sleep!!  I was in the wrong house!!  I should have been an apartment over!  I was so young, and so wanting to feel accepted and this was the only way I knew.  It was the only thing that had ever made me feel "normal".

Finally it got to the point where I was at a party and apparently embarrassed friends so badly they no longer wanted to be my friend!  I felt like once again everyone was laughing behind my back.  It was a sobering experience to say the least! One day I just didn't drink anymore...

From there I moved back home and then a few months later met my husband and got married. I totally put the experience and the thought of any of these people out of my head.  I am great at denial.   It is a skill close to my heart. I mean, where would I be, what pain would I have to deal with if I didn't have this skill?

I guess I just wanted to remind myself that no matter how bad or even how good the journey seems at a particular moment...it will change.  Change will come no matter how much I try to control my environment.  It will knock on my door when I am least expecting it, it will take me by surprise, for good or for bad. But living in any other moment other than the present will not keep it from visiting me.

I will do things I am proud of and things I am not so proud of.  Maybe I can remind others to that life is a journey. Where have you been?

Padres Vs Mets

We went to the Padres vs Mets baseball game today...Padres won!  However, I must admit, I find the game a bit boring!  -Better than a minor league game though! But it was a nice afternoon.  I did start to feel a bit "crowded" by the end of it though. 24,000 people in attendance and suddenly I feel like everyone is looking at me and judging me and crowding me. Oh well. I dealt with it and stayed the whole time, thanks to my family being there, other wise I would have bolted about the 7th inning.   Ah, the joys of social anxiety!  Anyways....we are home now and I am feeling good in my cocoon- home.

Sometimes there's just nothing to Say!

Just a few of those days where there isn't much that has been going through my mind. Is that a good or bad thing?  I don't know. It is kinda peaceful though.  A few moments of nothing going nuts in my brain, over and over and never stopping. I have no idea what has brought this about but it would be nice if it would stay. Although, it kind of impedes on my writing about how nuts I am.  But I guess I should just enjoy it while it lasts.   -Cause, unfortunately, I know it won't last forever!