Friday, May 25, 2012

Am I making ANY sense?

Ok, maybe I don't talk about the things I really suffer with enough. I see alot of other blogs and they are in the throws of their illnesses. I don't really know where I am in mine. It is like betting on the roulette table in Vegas. One minute I am good the next I feel like it is the end of the world. Will I ever "get better"?  I doubt it. Is my doubt something that holds me back from getting better? Maybe.  Maybe I like to be ill? Maybe. Maybe I'm just comfortable with who I am.  Maybe?  Is that a problem?  Who knows. I function. I go out in the world and most people would think I am "normal".

Some would say I make these things up. Well, they are in my mind, but I don't think I make them up. They are just there. I don't like the deep darkness of the obsessive thoughts. It is a pain in the ass a lot of times!

For instance, driving to the store at night and seeing someone walking along side the road. For most this is a normal occurrence. For me it can set my mind on a roller coaster of obsessive thoughts.  I suddenly hit a pot hole, but I drive on. Then my mind switches into the "crazy" part. I start to think how easy it would be for someone walking on the side of the road at night to get hit? Wouldn't it be so horrible! What if I hit someone by accident?  What if the pot hole I just felt was actually them?  I turn around and drive back they are still walking, I didn't hit them. It was a pot hole. I'm driving on now, but what if I only thought it was them, what if it was someone else? I turn around again, drive by again, now they are gone. There is a pot hole, that is all it was! I drive on home. But my mind still remains trapped in what if? What if? What if? -- So I avoid this feeling, I don't drive at night alone. There, it is now something I don't have to worry about. Whew... That is my OCD in action. I become obsessed by a thought, and then my compulsion is to avoid it, by not repeating the action.

But that's not normal, right? It is not normal for me to avoid driving at night because I am scared of feeling these feelings. But for works.

What about my social anxiety?  I want to be social. But it brings so much anxiety, so I don't. Why?  I feel ugly, my hair is not right, I'm not skinny enough, I am not pretty enough, I might have a skewed sense of humor they don't get,  I don't like others to see these things in me. They probably won't like me. And if they do then I am really screwed! As I have mentioned here before, I then feel trapped to carry on a relationship I know I will not fulfill my part in. I will let them down. So, it's better to just not start. Panic attack, avoidance, whew...relief.

And lately I have been SO tired all the time. I have not yet figured out if this is depression creeping in or what?  I need to take a nap most days. I look forward to it. And I am NOT a nap person.  I don't feel like cleaning my house, either. I do the minimum. I have a ton of laundry that needs to be done but it is so much work. Uh!  So what is this? Depression? Early stages of hoarding? Some other undiagnosed mental illness? I have no idea!

I go to a psychiatrist for meds, but I do not currently see a therapist. I have in the past, but I just don't always feel like RE-spilling everything to a new person every time I have ever had to move. It is such an ordeal and takes for ever. Maybe I need to....who knows.

Maybe we never really escape all of it. Maybe it is our life to live through it?
Maybe I am just insane and will always be. But other than a few odd, weird things, I don't mind being me.?.?...  Am I making ANY sense??


  1. Yes, you are making sense. I, too, adjusted for a long time, and the only treatment I was doing for a long time was medication. And I think that can work for some people. I also agree that the disorders stay with us.

    For me, I need more, at least now. I started out taking cognitive behavioral therapy for OCD (in February, I think). Then my therapist said it wouldnt't work as long as I was struggling with the chronic depression I've carried around since I was young. So he's doing a different kind of therapy for that. It's helping.

    I feel like I need therapy now because I have avoided some things and am still doing some things and am caught in some cognitive patterns that are not good for me. So I'm working on them with therapy.

    But I totally understand getting tired of telling someone new the whole story again. And it's not always easy finding a therapist you can connect with.

  2. I have enjoyed some therapists and therapy in the past, but sometimes it seems like so much work. I applaud you for committing to it and trying to work on things. I guess I am just kind of comfortable "avoiding". Which I know is not so good! But that's where I am! :)