Ok, maybe I don't talk about the things I really suffer with enough. I see alot of other blogs and they are in the throws of their illnesses. I don't really know where I am in mine. It is like betting on the roulette table in Vegas. One minute I am good the next I feel like it is the end of the world. Will I ever "get better"? I doubt it. Is my doubt something that holds me back from getting better? Maybe. Maybe I like to be ill? Maybe. Maybe I'm just comfortable with who I am. Maybe? Is that a problem? Who knows. I function. I go out in the world and most people would think I am "normal".
Some would say I make these things up. Well, they are in my mind, but I don't think I make them up. They are just there. I don't like the deep darkness of the obsessive thoughts. It is a pain in the ass a lot of times!
For instance, driving to the store at night and seeing someone walking along side the road. For most this is a normal occurrence. For me it can set my mind on a roller coaster of obsessive thoughts. I suddenly hit a pot hole, but I drive on. Then my mind switches into the "crazy" part. I start to think how easy it would be for someone walking on the side of the road at night to get hit? Wouldn't it be so horrible! What if I hit someone by accident? What if the pot hole I just felt was actually them? I turn around and drive back by....no they are still walking, I didn't hit them. It was a pot hole. I'm driving on now, but what if I only thought it was them, what if it was someone else? I turn around again, drive by again, now they are gone. There is a pot hole, that is all it was! I drive on home. But my mind still remains trapped in what if? What if? What if? -- So I avoid this feeling, I don't drive at night alone. There, it is now something I don't have to worry about. Whew... That is my OCD in action. I become obsessed by a thought, and then my compulsion is to avoid it, by not repeating the action.
But that's not normal, right? It is not normal for me to avoid driving at night because I am scared of feeling these feelings. But for me...it works.
What about my social anxiety? I want to be social. But it brings so much anxiety, so I don't. Why? I feel ugly, my hair is not right, I'm not skinny enough, I am not pretty enough, I might have a skewed sense of humor they don't get, I don't like others to see these things in me. They probably won't like me. And if they do then I am really screwed! As I have mentioned here before, I then feel trapped to carry on a relationship I know I will not fulfill my part in. I will let them down. So, it's better to just not start. Panic attack, avoidance, whew...relief.
And lately I have been SO tired all the time. I have not yet figured out if this is depression creeping in or what? I need to take a nap most days. I look forward to it. And I am NOT a nap person. I don't feel like cleaning my house, either. I do the minimum. I have a ton of laundry that needs to be done but it is so much work. Uh! So what is this? Depression? Early stages of hoarding? Some other undiagnosed mental illness? I have no idea!
I go to a psychiatrist for meds, but I do not currently see a therapist. I have in the past, but I just don't always feel like RE-spilling everything to a new person every time I have ever had to move. It is such an ordeal and takes for ever. Maybe I need to....who knows.
Maybe we never really escape all of it. Maybe it is our life to live through it?
Maybe I am just insane and will always be. But other than a few odd, weird things, I don't mind being me.?.?... Am I making ANY sense??