Thursday, May 10, 2012

I'm Not Happy With My Life

That is NOT what I am saying, at all...

I am simply telling you how my brain works.  Many times I have heard, "Just decide to be happy!", "Just change your mind!", "Be thankful for all you have!", and on and on. As if it were that "easy". Don't you think I and so many others out there would have done it already? No, we just love to wallow in self pity and misery.  We love to feel like outsiders, like intruders on others lives. We love to have people mad at us because we have not called, because they think we are purposely avoiding them. We love to constantly wonder what others must be thinking about us, what they might be gossiping about us to others.
It's a double edge sword, if I want to have a friend I have to be a friend and that is not always so easy. I automatically think people probably won't like me, and God forbid they do, then what?  I will have to sign that invisible piece of friendship paper tying me to them, tying me to their life, and then if I let them down, I have failed. And failure is a hard pill to swallow for me.  If I don't have friends, then I don't let anyone down. Problem solved. Except...I get lonely. And lonely is kinda sucky. 

Lonely comes in the middle of the day when you have seen something really cool and you want to share it with someone. Yes, I can call my husband, but you know, guys don't always get the same joy out of the same things girls do. Lonely comes when I want to drink coffee and laugh and go to a thrift store, but there is no one to do that with.  So I do it by myself.  If there was ever a fear I have conquered it is doing things by myself. I don't need someone to do things with, but it is lonely when I want someone to do things with. Being alone just comes so easy, it whips past me and whirls me into an activity and it is over and done by myself, before I can blink an eye.

I love my life. I love my husband, I love my kids, I love my animals.

I wish I could change my mind. I wish I could step past the fear of letting a friend in and keep going. But every time I have tried, I have let someone down.  Even explaining it all to them. I mean how would you feel if I suddenly stopped accepting your calls?  If I shied away from you coming over?  If I came across as cold and uncaring? -And I don't know why it happens!  It just does...

I'd be mad too...

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