Saturday, May 5, 2012


Confused...This is how I feel today.  Yesterday I was talking about having questions, which lead to more questions and now I am just confused. Maybe because I had a weird incident yesterday. I was joking around with my husband and then boom all the sudden my brain was taking everything he said seriously and I was feeling hurt and defensive.  Which made him mad because I was "taking it the wrong way".  Which I was, but I was mad for him being mad.....does any of this make sense? Not really, I know. I live it. But it left me thinking, if I can't even figure my own mind out, how the hell can I expect someone else to?  I'm confusing myself right now!

I guess I should explain all the glorious mental illnesses I seem to suffer from, or so I'm told.... (1) OCD, but more of the obsessive thinking part of it, I do not hand wash or clean excessively, but I do count numbers and recite the alphabet to myself when I am trying not to think the obsessive thoughts, which I am told is the compulsive part.  (2) Panic Attacks, paralyzing fear of things I think might happen when I do certain things. Examples of this would be going to the dentist, of which I am phobic, and being around alot of people, or certain people. which leads to (3) Social Anxiety, I have acquaintances, not friends, and I prefer to keep it that way for fear of what, I don't know.(4) Depression...which God only knows seems to just go along with everything else...  So if all this is not confusing enough, then I don't know what is. And I will share that I currently take the generic for Anafranil, 250 mg a day and Xanax...but only 1 mg a day.  I have taken up to 5mg a day before. I aspire to get off it completely, but that hasn't come to fruition yet. Could be I need it, or could be it is strongly a placebo effect, because to be honest I don't know that 1 measly mg of Xanax actually does anything but soothe me in that I think it might be doing something.

So now that I have confused you with a nonsensical post, I am going to go walk the dogs.... and maybe tomorrow I will have had a revelation that makes more sense. ♥

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