Wednesday, May 9, 2012

One of my Secrets

I'm already regretting this...

Two of my mental short comings are Social Anxiety and OCD.  Put these two together and you have a great mix of anxiety and avoidance combined.

This normally rears it's ugly head in the form of me avoiding people in person, although it has evolved with technology.  This "task" has become easier over the years. I simply just do not engage people. I say "Hi" and keep walking, I wave and then go inside and shut the door, I don't let myself indulge in conversations with people, I don't answer the phone. I know, you don't understand, well, neither do I.  I have always been shy. I have always been self conscience. But how this all started I don't know...  Email, smart phones, messaging, etc. I simply don't answer, or I simply don't look.  I have even downloaded a "stealth" ring tone! If I know you might call and for some reason I feel like I can't talk, I change your ring tone to stealth. Then I don't even hear the phone ring! I legitimately, in my mind, didn't even know you called! For God's sake I am so strange! Maybe I'm hoping if I avoid that something that brings me anxiety, it simply doesn't exist! I remove the anxiety by removing the cause of it. Even though I know it still exists, OBVIOUSLY.

And the even crazier part is, I want to talk to people, I want to indulge in conversation, I want to NOT avoid...but I do, I just do! It just kicks in like an automated response. It takes no second thought on my part. It almost "just happens." The anxiety starts, the person is automatically avoided and I go on about my way.  

So...there. You know one of my secrets. You may or may not understand or care and it probably won't keep me from doing it in the future. But you know. I know it is incredibly awful of me to think of asking people to accept me like this, so I don't...they DO take offense. I would too...

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