My son graduates high school today!! It is my greatest happiness and my greatest fear all wrapped into one. Raising a great kid, really he is...and then the thought of him leaving out into the world. I need him here with me! Is it wrong that he has been such a great joy, such a great ear in my life? We laugh and have the best time. He has my sense of humour and he literally cracks me up! He has also hugged and told me he "It's fine mom." when I have needed it.
So I decided to ask him how growing up with me as a mom has affected him...And here is what he said...
Me: Do you think my anxiety and OCD has affected your life?
Jake: Yes. You are going to worry yourself into a heart attack one day. You worry about everything. You worry people are mad at you when they aren't, you worry about people not loving you when we do and you worry about everything being your fault when is isn't.
Me: Wow, you notice that? That makes me feel bad!
Jake: See! But I think it has also made me a better person too. It has made me more popular with the ladies. (LOL--me laughing!) Because you have taught me what girls worry about and how to make them feel better about it. I am more sensitive than the average guy out there. I'm a good listener.
Me: Really? Have I made you more anxious do you think?
Jake: Yes. I am more sensitive I think. Especially when I was a little kid.
Me: But how does it make you feel now?
Jake: It makes me feel bad for you. I wish you wouldn't worry as much. When I was little I would cry over things because I worried about them and about you. I worry about you.
I had to stop there...
My anxiety has made him worry about me! How bad do I to feel about that? But it has also taught him good things. It has taught him to be a better man. But it makes me wonder did I put too much on him as a child? Not on purpose but him just seeing me live? Will he be ok as an adult? I think so...but now I am going to worry about that!
My children are so much apart of my life. I think I sometimes forget that they learn EVERYTHING from us. Good and Bad. And not just with a parent with OCD, or depression and anxiety. With anything we do. Even when I think I have done a good job hiding it. Just as he has my sense of humour...just as he is kind and compassionate. But he has taught me so much too. He has taught me that children see us through the purest of eyes and they digest us and they know us to our cores. And that despite it all, my kids love me no matter what. That's deep. That's how deep my love is for him...And my beautiful, wonderful daughter♥
Congratulations Jake! You are the best son I could have ever asked for! I am so proud of you! Muah!