Ok, so I have a mental illness, a few actually. Who really gives a flying #$@# ?
I wish everyone did, but the truth is, they don't. They don't care that I have debilitating social anxiety. They don't care that engaging in friendship is painful and trying for me. They don't care that I take meds everyday in the hopes of having a decent day! They don't care!! If they do they have never showed it!
And who exactly are "they"? I don't know...but that is how my mind sees it. It sees everyone this way. That is what makes me stay away from everyone. Because I think they shouldn't care. Why would they? It is a struggle I go through everyday, no matter the medication, the plotting and planning, or the person. I think I am too much trouble to be involved with. I do. Would I want to meet someone like me? Maybe at first, but after a while I would probably grow tired of the constant wonder, will she or won't she answer the phone? Will she or won't she want to come over for dinner, and if she does how long till she exits?
I mean, that is how I am. I am plotting my escape before I even enter. I am looking at the time...wondering, have I been here long enough. Have I participated enough, made enough of an appearance? I am thinking of how I would give anything to be alone, to be away from the situation, to be gone. "I'm ready to leave, are you? Ok let's go."
That's how I am. That's how I don't want to be. I pray that I will not feel this way. I plan on not being this way, I plan....but it doesn't usually happen. Most of the time my mind reverts to the previous thinking. It is comfortable for me to feel that way. Comfortable because that is my second nature, uncomfortable because I wish it wasn't.
My mind makes no sense to me....many times a day. I do my best. People have said I am honest, kind, giving, even fun and crazy...in a good way. But my mind...it tells me different. It sneaks up on me and controls my actions without my consent. I wish it were easier to explain. I wish it were easier to control. I don't want to have to THINK about every action before I make it. I don't want to have to THINK about not feeling certain ways. I just want to be that way. Why can't it be easier?
***AND I have no idea why this is showing up with a white background and it annoys me!! :)
I know I can't say that I know exactly how you feel, but I know what it's like to feel controlled by my thoughts and not be able to connect with others--to not even want to connect with others. It's just easier being alone sometimes.
ReplyDeleteIt's important for me to remember--and you, too--that we can't believe all our thoughts, and we can't control where our thoughts come from. They just come up sometimes, and we don't have to believe them.
Just wondering when you started feeling all these things. As an adult? In high school? Before that? I think back on when we we knew each other and can't say I recall any behavior or talk out of the ordinary. You seemed pretty happy go lucky back then. Just makes me curious as to when these behaviors start. My two younger girls (12 & 13) BOTH have some minor OCD things. Sometimes I wonder if I should do something- I try not to make a big deal because I don't want to make it worse. Ugh what do you do?
ReplyDelete